Scientist Discovers Disease, Names After Arch-Rival

November 1, 2008 9:47 pm
Scientist Discovers Disease, Names After Arch-Rival

The humble Dr. Timothy Flugin of the Center for Disease Control may be the first researcher to discover a medical phenomenon and name it after someone other than himself. Last week, Flugin introduced the world to Borsen’s Syndrome, a rare affliction of the skin mostly prevalent among certain groups of […]

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Opinion: “I Know Why The Mausoleum Party Was Moved—Those Dead People Were Coming Alive”

9:45 pm
Opinion: “I Know Why The Mausoleum Party Was Moved—Those Dead People Were Coming Alive”

Some of you may just think I’m your average conspiracy theorist, but that is certainly not the case. I have some reliable inside scoop here, but I won’t tell you exactly where I got the information from (the spirits).
     First let me dispel some of the overriding theories for […]

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National Coming Out Day Allows Perceived Gays To Come Out As Straight

October 25, 2008 10:05 pm
National Coming Out Day Allows Perceived Gays To Come Out As Straight

STANFORD- On Thursday, October 23, members of the Stanford LGBT community and their allies participated in National Coming Out Day. Surprisingly, many of those who “came out” this day were flamboyant-acting but came out as straight. “I found out my roommate was straight today, and I’m a little surprised,” remarked […]

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Vice Presidential Adult Film Helps McCain’s Ratings Within Niche Porn Demographic

10:01 pm
Vice Presidential Adult Film Helps McCain’s Ratings Within Niche Porn Demographic

The San Jose Mercury News reported Friday that porn kingpin Larry Flynt is in the process of finishing the final touches to his latest porn video starring Palin look-alike Lisa Ann. The film titled “Nailin Paylin” is set to hit porn shops before the November election and is said to […]

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Isolated FroSoCo Residents Declared New Species

10:00 pm
Isolated FroSoCo Residents Declared New Species

Students Can No Longer Produce Viable Offspring With Taller, More Social People Biology majors at Stanford University reported the emergence of a new species yesterday after decades of fieldwork and research. The Freshman-Sophomore College residents, once thought to be merely Lagunitans who migrated closer to the golf ranges, have finally […]

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ASSU Introduces Joint Resolution in Wake of Latest Squabble

9:41 pm
ASSU Introduces Joint Resolution in Wake of Latest Squabble

After endlessly bickering over a $2800 disaster known as the Welcome Barbecue, Senators Luukas Ilves ’09 and Yvorn Aswad-Thomas ’11 offered a joint resolution in the hopes of restoring collegiality and camaraderie among the divided student leaders. The resolution stipulated that a joint be passed around the chamber, with Senate […]

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Whats Your Number? : Famous FMOTQ Scores

October 19, 2008 1:43 pm
Whats Your Number? : Famous FMOTQ Scores

President John L. Hennessey 42, and they were all freshman Dean Julie – 2, all tongue Michelle Wie – 68, 3 under par Provost John Etchemendy – 612, at least President Herbert Hoover – 0, was studying to become President Justice Sandra Day O’Connor – 9, a fair and balanced […]

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Student Accidentally Wanders Into Sketchy Grad Student Corner At Full Moon on the Quad

1:14 pm
Student Accidentally Wanders Into Sketchy Grad Student Corner At Full Moon on the Quad

HISTORY CORNER, THE QUAD–Freshman student and first time Full-Moon goer Samantha Pelerman found herself overwhelmed and confused as she entered a sea of sketchy grad students last Tuesday at Full Moon on the Quad. “There were at least twenty of them who rushed up to me at once and swore […]

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37% of Full Moon Revelers Identify as Both ‘Senior’ and ‘Freshman’

1:10 pm
37% of Full Moon Revelers Identify as Both ‘Senior’ and ‘Freshman’

According to exit polls conducted by undercover reporters, 72% of Full Moon attendees were freshmen, while seniors accounted for another 65%. Surprisingly, 0% of poll responders identified themselves as sketchy graduate students. Statisticians in the math department analyzed these curious findings and released their reports late last night. “We have […]

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University Physicists Strategically Plan First Full Moon To Be Day Before Midterm

1:01 pm
University Physicists Strategically Plan First Full Moon To Be Day Before Midterm

VARIAN BUILDING–After hours upon hours of equations and tinkering with nature, the Stanford University physicists emerged from the depths of the Varian basement with a solution to one of the most pressing university problems: How to calm down the insane annual event that has come to be known as Full […]

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