CAUGHT: Notorious Axe And Palm Crepe Thief Jean-Claude Pierre Foiled Again

February 2, 2009 5:47 pm
CAUGHT: Notorious Axe And Palm Crepe Thief Jean-Claude Pierre Foiled Again

Axe and Palm Crêpe Thief, Jean-Claude Pierre, is behind bars at last. He was caught last night at 10:08 in the kitchen of The Axe and Palm, attempting to steal yet another crêpe. Onlookers were rather confused. “It seemed that he [Pierre] passed by the open registers flowing with cash […]

Read more ›

Sick of Domestic Singles, Many Turn To International Date Line

January 25, 2009 7:11 pm
Sick of Domestic Singles, Many Turn To International Date Line

By Jerry Vickname LIFUKA, TONGA—The dating world has been turned upside down as many people around the world are looking abroad to find true love. Dating, which once was considered strictly a local practice, has now been taken global. Thanks to the International Date Line and the internet, it is […]

Read more ›

Franken Relaunches Comedy Career, Changes C-SPAN into Comedy Network

7:09 pm
Franken Relaunches Comedy Career, Changes C-SPAN into Comedy Network

By Stanley Waters WASHINGTON D.C.—In an unexpected act of brilliance, comedian Al Franken relaunched his comedy career last week as he began his first week in the US Senate. After winning the closest election in US history, Franken announced his “master plan” to the people of America. “As promised, the […]

Read more ›

Cheney in Wheelchair at Obama’s Inauguration; One Step Forward, Two Steps Back in Becoming Dark Sith Lord

January 20, 2009 8:55 pm
Cheney in Wheelchair at Obama’s Inauguration; One Step Forward, Two Steps Back in Becoming Dark Sith Lord

By Stanley Waters WASHINGTON, D.C.–Last Tuesday, former Vice President Dick Cheney moved one step closer towards achieving his lifetime goal of becoming a Sith Lord. At President Barack Obama’s inauguration ceremony, Cheney was seen, for the first time ever, in a wheel chair, a sign immediately recognized by Star Wars […]

Read more ›

In Waning Days of Presidency, Bush Turns Attention to Presidential Library

January 18, 2009 3:01 pm
In Waning Days of Presidency, Bush Turns Attention to Presidential Library

As President Bush prepares to hand over the White House to Barack Obama, he is devoting more of his energy to shaping the legacy he will leave behind for future generations of Americans. The George W. Bush Presidential Library will be situated next door to the Presidential Library of the […]

Read more ›

Obama Names David Plouffe to Head New Department of Spam

3:00 pm
Obama Names David Plouffe to Head New Department of Spam

WASHINGTON, D.C—In a historic move keeping with campaign practices and marking the growth of electronic communication, President Elect Barack Obama has announced the creation of a new Department of Spam, to be headed by David Plouffe. Plouffe is known for his unremitting emails to supporters, sometimes numbering in the tens […]

Read more ›

Google StreetView Catches Student Breaking The Honor Code

January 11, 2009 2:26 pm
Google StreetView Catches Student Breaking The Honor Code

By Rory Sampson STANFORD, CA—With new technology comes new consequences, as junior student Allie Speigel found out the hard way. Google’s new StreetView technology, which allows users to see images at street level, caught the junior Speigel violating the Stanford Honor Code. The close up pictures and the zoom feature […]

Read more ›

SCANDAL: Science Professor Gives Female Student Crabs

2:24 pm
SCANDAL: Science Professor Gives Female Student Crabs

STANFORD (AP) ­ Two weeks ago sophomore Sharon Dasuli entered Dr. Von Nostrand’s office for what she thought was a routine meeting to discuss marine biology. Once inside, professor Von Nostrand locked the door and shut the blinds. What happened next would change Sharon’s life forever. “I didn’t think it […]

Read more ›

Opinion: End Laundry Room “Whites” and “Colors” Discrimination

December 29, 2008 12:23 am
Opinion: End Laundry Room “Whites” and “Colors” Discrimination

With Obama’s recent election, you may be elated about the prospect of change, and excited to see how America responds to its first black president. You might be tempted to think that racism is a done deal and that as a nation, we have finally moved past that stage. You […]

Read more ›

Gov. Blagojevich Reads Copernicus: ‘Will Fight This Heliocentrism Thing’

December 19, 2008 11:22 pm
Gov. Blagojevich Reads Copernicus: ‘Will Fight This Heliocentrism Thing’

CHICAGO—It was announced today that the recently disgraced governor of Illinois Rod Blagojevich recently picked up a copy of On the Revolutions of Celestial Spheres, Nicolaus Copernicus’ watershed tome on the heliocentric nature of our solar system, and declared he “will fight this heliocentrism thing.” Despite overwhelming evidence in support […]

Read more ›