Opinion: “I Demand A Recount”

November 8, 2008 9:01 pm
Opinion: “I Demand A Recount”

By Frank the Disgruntled McCain Supporter Do you really think the U.S. just elected Barack Obama as President? Come on, America- let’s think again. This is obviously impossible. The only way Obama could have beaten John McCain would have been by using dirty techniques to rig the election. The voters […]

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America’s Balls Shrink 40% After Obama Victory, GOP’s Worst Fears Confirmed

8:58 pm
America’s Balls Shrink 40% After Obama Victory, GOP’s Worst Fears Confirmed

True to the predictions of several conservative pundits and bloggers, electing the progressive, thoughtful Barack Obama has taken its toll on the nation’s collective cojones, which have been shrinking considerably since November 4th. Urologist Alan Yanofsky examined the emasculated country in a routine, post-election check-up. “It seems a lack of […]

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Students Steal Bikes To Be Resold For Charity

8:56 pm
Students Steal Bikes To Be Resold For Charity

Last week’s Gumball Challenge inspired many Stanford students to get out of bed and make some money. Receiving a loan of $27 along with 27 gumballs, students tried to make as much money as possible for charity. Students did everything from reselling In-N-Out burgers to doing laundry for other kids […]

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Historic Presidential Firsts

8:55 pm
Historic Presidential Firsts

Barack Obama, president-elect of the United States, released on Sunday his schedule for the first day of his term as president, which will go down in history as a truly historic day. Items on his schedule include: First African-American Presidential Breakfast First African-American Presidential Tooth Brushing First African-American Presidential Morning […]

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Facebook Adds New “It’s Abusive” Relationship Category



November 1, 2008 9:49 pm
Facebook Adds New “It’s Abusive” Relationship Category



FACEBOOK HEADQUARTERS–After much deliberation and mixed reviews of the “New Facebook,” Founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg sought to make things right with users through the addition of the new “It’s Abusive” relationship status.
    The move has been hailed by the majority of Facebook users as a “step back in the […]

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Scientist Discovers Disease, Names After Arch-Rival

9:47 pm
Scientist Discovers Disease, Names After Arch-Rival

The humble Dr. Timothy Flugin of the Center for Disease Control may be the first researcher to discover a medical phenomenon and name it after someone other than himself. Last week, Flugin introduced the world to Borsen’s Syndrome, a rare affliction of the skin mostly prevalent among certain groups of […]

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Opinion: “I Know Why The Mausoleum Party Was Moved—Those Dead People Were Coming Alive”

9:45 pm
Opinion: “I Know Why The Mausoleum Party Was Moved—Those Dead People Were Coming Alive”

Some of you may just think I’m your average conspiracy theorist, but that is certainly not the case. I have some reliable inside scoop here, but I won’t tell you exactly where I got the information from (the spirits).
     First let me dispel some of the overriding theories for […]

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National Coming Out Day Allows Perceived Gays To Come Out As Straight

October 25, 2008 10:05 pm
National Coming Out Day Allows Perceived Gays To Come Out As Straight

STANFORD- On Thursday, October 23, members of the Stanford LGBT community and their allies participated in National Coming Out Day. Surprisingly, many of those who “came out” this day were flamboyant-acting but came out as straight. “I found out my roommate was straight today, and I’m a little surprised,” remarked […]

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Vice Presidential Adult Film Helps McCain’s Ratings Within Niche Porn Demographic

10:01 pm
Vice Presidential Adult Film Helps McCain’s Ratings Within Niche Porn Demographic

The San Jose Mercury News reported Friday that porn kingpin Larry Flynt is in the process of finishing the final touches to his latest porn video starring Palin look-alike Lisa Ann. The film titled “Nailin Paylin” is set to hit porn shops before the November election and is said to […]

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Isolated FroSoCo Residents Declared New Species

10:00 pm
Isolated FroSoCo Residents Declared New Species

Students Can No Longer Produce Viable Offspring With Taller, More Social People Biology majors at Stanford University reported the emergence of a new species yesterday after decades of fieldwork and research. The Freshman-Sophomore College residents, once thought to be merely Lagunitans who migrated closer to the golf ranges, have finally […]

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