Obama Names David Plouffe to Head New Department of Spam

January 18, 2009 3:00 pm
Obama Names David Plouffe to Head New Department of Spam

WASHINGTON, D.C—In a historic move keeping with campaign practices and marking the growth of electronic communication, President Elect Barack Obama has announced the creation of a new Department of Spam, to be headed by David Plouffe. Plouffe is known for his unremitting emails to supporters, sometimes numbering in the tens […]

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Google StreetView Catches Student Breaking The Honor Code

January 11, 2009 2:26 pm
Google StreetView Catches Student Breaking The Honor Code

By Rory Sampson STANFORD, CA—With new technology comes new consequences, as junior student Allie Speigel found out the hard way. Google’s new StreetView technology, which allows users to see images at street level, caught the junior Speigel violating the Stanford Honor Code. The close up pictures and the zoom feature […]

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SCANDAL: Science Professor Gives Female Student Crabs

2:24 pm
SCANDAL: Science Professor Gives Female Student Crabs

STANFORD (AP) ­ Two weeks ago sophomore Sharon Dasuli entered Dr. Von Nostrand’s office for what she thought was a routine meeting to discuss marine biology. Once inside, professor Von Nostrand locked the door and shut the blinds. What happened next would change Sharon’s life forever. “I didn’t think it […]

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Opinion: End Laundry Room “Whites” and “Colors” Discrimination

December 29, 2008 12:23 am
Opinion: End Laundry Room “Whites” and “Colors” Discrimination

With Obama’s recent election, you may be elated about the prospect of change, and excited to see how America responds to its first black president. You might be tempted to think that racism is a done deal and that as a nation, we have finally moved past that stage. You […]

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Gov. Blagojevich Reads Copernicus: ‘Will Fight This Heliocentrism Thing’

December 19, 2008 11:22 pm
Gov. Blagojevich Reads Copernicus: ‘Will Fight This Heliocentrism Thing’

CHICAGO—It was announced today that the recently disgraced governor of Illinois Rod Blagojevich recently picked up a copy of On the Revolutions of Celestial Spheres, Nicolaus Copernicus’ watershed tome on the heliocentric nature of our solar system, and declared he “will fight this heliocentrism thing.” Despite overwhelming evidence in support […]

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In Final Presidential Act, Bush Completes US Christmas List

December 7, 2008 8:05 pm
In Final Presidential Act, Bush Completes US Christmas List

ASKS SANTA FOR $20 TRILLION, ENERGY SOLUTION, AND THE WII WASHINGTON, D.C–In his last major act as President of the United States, George W. Bush has officially completed and signed into law the United States Christmas List. Since time was running out for the Bush Administration, he decided to act […]

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Congress Expected to Replace the “Privileges and Immunities” Clause with the “Santa” Clause

8:02 pm
Congress Expected to Replace the “Privileges and Immunities” Clause with the “Santa” Clause

By Stanley Waters This year, the citizens of the United States will receive a special Christmas gift from the government. In light of recent economic difficulties and a general feeling of gloom across the country, Congress is expected to revise the Constitution for the first time in several decades. The […]

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Reindeer Transportation Hopes to Offer Relief From Dependence on Foreign Oil

7:49 pm
Reindeer Transportation Hopes to Offer Relief From Dependence on Foreign Oil

Thanksgiving has come and gone, and, in the true American spirit, each and every potential customer is now completely inundated with holiday advertisements. And, what would the materialist’s month be without the quintessential TV commercials released by auto companies, showing off speed around sharp turns and sleek designs wrapped in […]

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Report: Student Is Tired

November 30, 2008 4:10 pm
Report: Student Is Tired

By Daniel Francinte STANFORD, CA–After five consecutive sleep-deprived nights and countless hours of research, the Medical School came to conclusive results and found that junior undergraduate student Alex Fontaine was tired.     They had four researchers watching him around the clock as he ate, did his homework, dozed off in […]

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Revolutionary Soft Drink Pepsialis to Hit Stores Next Week

4:07 pm
Revolutionary Soft Drink Pepsialis to Hit Stores Next Week

A collaboration between beverage giant PepsiCo and erectile dysfunction upstart Cialis has finally born fruit in the form of Pepsialis. “With Pepsialis, the goal is to quench your thirst with that refreshing Pepsi taste, while simultaneously promoting blood flow to the penile region,” declared Pepsi spokeswoman Anna Tirico. A multimedia […]

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