37% of Full Moon Revelers Identify as Both ‘Senior’ and ‘Freshman’

October 19, 2008 1:10 pm
37% of Full Moon Revelers Identify as Both ‘Senior’ and ‘Freshman’

According to exit polls conducted by undercover reporters, 72% of Full Moon attendees were freshmen, while seniors accounted for another 65%. Surprisingly, 0% of poll responders identified themselves as sketchy graduate students. Statisticians in the math department analyzed these curious findings and released their reports late last night. “We have […]

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University Physicists Strategically Plan First Full Moon To Be Day Before Midterm

1:01 pm
University Physicists Strategically Plan First Full Moon To Be Day Before Midterm

VARIAN BUILDING–After hours upon hours of equations and tinkering with nature, the Stanford University physicists emerged from the depths of the Varian basement with a solution to one of the most pressing university problems: How to calm down the insane annual event that has come to be known as Full […]

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Study Finds Research Results Skewed By Students Looking For Beer Money

October 12, 2008 2:15 am
Study Finds Research Results Skewed By Students Looking For Beer Money

By Gregory Linsch STANFORD—The Stanford Psychology department just released the results to a revolutionary study that they had been conducting over the past forty years: 93.2% of the results they have obtained from surveys and studies conducted on college campuses have come from students looking for beer money. Some are […]

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Campus Police Give Up, Replace ‘STOP’ Signs With ‘GO’ Signs

2:10 am
Campus Police Give Up, Replace ‘STOP’ Signs  With ‘GO’ Signs

By Stanley Waters STANFORD—Last Thursday, in an act many have seen coming for over a decade, Stanford’s campus police department announced its decision to remove all stop signs from the Stanford campus. The initiative is designed to cut down on crime and ease the heavy workload on campus police. “Every […]

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State of Alabama Bans Same-Sex Swing Marriages

October 8, 2008 6:27 pm
State of Alabama Bans Same-Sex Swing Marriages

By Vladimir Porterman SACRAMENTO—Last week, the Alabama Legislature finalized a law to ban same-sex swing marriages. Preschool and elementary school children around the nation who have been swinging together will no longer be able to swing in unison, and this will be enforced by both recess supervisors and state law. […]

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Congress Rejects Bailout Plan For Inmate #36788

6:19 pm
Congress Rejects Bailout Plan For Inmate #36788

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move that critics around the nation are calling “preposterous”, Congress rejected a bailout plan for inmate number 36788 of the Arlington County Jail. Inmate number 36788 has been in the Arlington County Jail for fifteen years now, serving a sentence for murder, money laundering, and curfew violation. […]

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Opinion: “The Chow Mein In the Dining Halls Puts Me In Just The Right Mood To Read Plato”

6:01 pm
Opinion: “The Chow Mein In the Dining Halls Puts Me In Just The Right Mood To Read Plato”

By Leonard Huffman I am the wisest man in the world because I know one thing, and that is that the chow mein in the dining hall puts me in just the right mood to read Plato. The chow mein has just the right balance between noodles and veggies that […]

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Stanford Accepts More Morons To Increase Diversity

6:00 pm
Stanford Accepts More Morons To Increase Diversity

By Gordy Fixler STANFORD, CA—In a new radical movement to revamp the Stanford Admissions program, Dean of Admissions Richard Shaw has announced that the next class of 2013 will have “diversity like this campus has never seen before.” This is all the consequence of the new DUMB (Diversity of Undergraduate […]

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Really Bad Biker Gets CUI

5:55 pm
Really Bad Biker Gets CUI

By Larry Seidman STANFORD, CA—Stanford sophomore undergraduate Alex Tempkin was arrested last week and brought to the San Jose prison on accounts of Cycling Under the Influence. Tempkin was alleged to have been riding his neon green Jamis bicycle at three in the morning back to his dorm when he […]

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