Opinion: The Fetuses Just Don’t Grasp The Importance of The Issues

February 8, 2009 4:20 pm
Opinion: The Fetuses Just Don’t Grasp The Importance of The Issues

Lately, our country has been swept by a sort of neo-nostalgic nationalism, if you know what I mean. There are just tons of groups popping up advocating for the rights of fetuses and the unborn. Well I’m not going to tackle all of our civil liberties dilemmas at once–but if […]

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Opinion: Fetuses Don’t Deserve the Right To Vote- Animals Do!

4:19 pm
Opinion: Fetuses Don’t Deserve the Right To Vote- Animals Do!

Look, man, the neofascist, religious freakout Republicans are calling for the government to extend voting rights to fetuses. And that’s crazy, man. It shouldn’t even be up for debate. For one thing, fetuses are just a bunch of cells that will eventually become a person. They don’t have feelings. They […]

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Michael Phelps: “Gold Medalist of Bong Hits”

4:16 pm
Michael Phelps: “Gold Medalist of Bong Hits”

COLUMBIA (AP) – On Monday, the public relations representative for Michael Phelps was forced to face difficult questions about an alleged photo of the Olympian smoking marijuana out of a bong. The photo was taken at the University of South Carolina where Phelps was apparently trying to get a “well-deserved […]

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Stanford Library Cavity Search Yields Valuable Microfilm

February 2, 2009 5:51 pm
Stanford Library Cavity Search Yields Valuable Microfilm

Stanford, CA – At most libraries Michael Blum (’10) would have walked away with a microfilm reel of Better Homes and Gardens from 1955. But not at Stanford. The library’s draconian checkout search policy finally paid off Friday when, after a comprehensive cavity search, a library employee found the microfilm […]

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Stanford Registrar Changes To New Epic Fail Grading System

5:48 pm
Stanford Registrar Changes To New Epic Fail Grading System

Faced with increasing numbers of stressed students and flustered professors, the Stanford Registrar’s Office has just announced plans to implement a new, Epic Fail grading scale. Unlike the number and letter based scales of the past, the epic fail scale will rank students based on skills, ownage, and degree of […]

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CAUGHT: Notorious Axe And Palm Crepe Thief Jean-Claude Pierre Foiled Again

5:47 pm
CAUGHT: Notorious Axe And Palm Crepe Thief Jean-Claude Pierre Foiled Again

Axe and Palm Crêpe Thief, Jean-Claude Pierre, is behind bars at last. He was caught last night at 10:08 in the kitchen of The Axe and Palm, attempting to steal yet another crêpe. Onlookers were rather confused. “It seemed that he [Pierre] passed by the open registers flowing with cash […]

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Sick of Domestic Singles, Many Turn To International Date Line

January 25, 2009 7:11 pm
Sick of Domestic Singles, Many Turn To International Date Line

By Jerry Vickname LIFUKA, TONGA—The dating world has been turned upside down as many people around the world are looking abroad to find true love. Dating, which once was considered strictly a local practice, has now been taken global. Thanks to the International Date Line and the internet, it is […]

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Franken Relaunches Comedy Career, Changes C-SPAN into Comedy Network

7:09 pm
Franken Relaunches Comedy Career, Changes C-SPAN into Comedy Network

By Stanley Waters WASHINGTON D.C.—In an unexpected act of brilliance, comedian Al Franken relaunched his comedy career last week as he began his first week in the US Senate. After winning the closest election in US history, Franken announced his “master plan” to the people of America. “As promised, the […]

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Cheney in Wheelchair at Obama’s Inauguration; One Step Forward, Two Steps Back in Becoming Dark Sith Lord

January 20, 2009 8:55 pm
Cheney in Wheelchair at Obama’s Inauguration; One Step Forward, Two Steps Back in Becoming Dark Sith Lord

By Stanley Waters WASHINGTON, D.C.–Last Tuesday, former Vice President Dick Cheney moved one step closer towards achieving his lifetime goal of becoming a Sith Lord. At President Barack Obama’s inauguration ceremony, Cheney was seen, for the first time ever, in a wheel chair, a sign immediately recognized by Star Wars […]

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In Waning Days of Presidency, Bush Turns Attention to Presidential Library

January 18, 2009 3:01 pm
In Waning Days of Presidency, Bush Turns Attention to Presidential Library

As President Bush prepares to hand over the White House to Barack Obama, he is devoting more of his energy to shaping the legacy he will leave behind for future generations of Americans. The George W. Bush Presidential Library will be situated next door to the Presidential Library of the […]

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