Asshole Student Hates Everyone, Blames It On The Weather

February 22, 2009 9:26 pm
Asshole Student Hates Everyone, Blames It On The Weather

This past Monday, a rather unfortunate smattering of events occurred circling around one undergraduate student, Morris Jones. Morris who typically awakes to 106.6 The Goat, instead arose to high pitch chirping, and it all went downhill from there. “I hadn’t left my room since the night before when I had […]

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Obama Rebukes African Leaders for Lack of African Americans in Africa

February 16, 2009 5:21 pm
Obama Rebukes African Leaders for Lack of African Americans in Africa

While the United States celebrates the inauguration of its first African American president, signifying a break from hundreds of years of racism, segregation, and slavery, many are concerned that other countries in the world will never be able to accomplish the same. A recent study has shown that there are […]

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HE FINALLY DID IT! : Local Man Sets New Personal High Score In Minesweeper

5:19 pm
HE FINALLY DID IT! : Local Man Sets New Personal High Score In Minesweeper

By Stanley Waters After spending what seemed like countless hours in front of his computer, local man Benjamin Alder managed to accomplish what many people thought was impossible. Last Thursday, at 2:33 AM, Alder successfully completed the “Expert” level of Minesweeper in 122 seconds, besting his previous high score by […]

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Tree Week: Secret Tree Competition Revealed – Palm the Steady Victor!

5:12 pm
Tree Week:  Secret Tree Competition Revealed – Palm the Steady Victor!

Contrary to popular belief, Stanford’s most pressing tree competition takes place between real, wooden trees rather than masochistic undergraduates. Recently, the pulse of the streets and the banter on the police wire has lead to the uncovering of an age–old secret tree competition. A team of investigative reporters has been […]

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Mississippi School Begins Teaching “Intelligent Warming”

February 8, 2009 4:32 pm
Mississippi School Begins Teaching “Intelligent Warming”

JACKSON—Just a few months after bringing “Intelligent Design” into Mississippi classrooms, the Department of Education in Mississippi has decided to bring a new controversial theory to students across the state. In a press conference held yesterday, Haley Barbour, governor of Mississippi, discussed his new education policy: “As of next year, […]

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Groundhog Sees His Shadow, Global Warming Formally Disproved

4:27 pm
Groundhog Sees His Shadow, Global Warming Formally Disproved

Punxsutawney, PA—In the timeless tradition of groundhogs that have come before him, Punxsutawney Phil came out last Monday, February 2nd and saw his shadow. Meteorologists and environmentalists around the world are stirring after an event with such revolutionary implications. “Do you know what this means for global warming?” said one […]

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Opinion: Give Fetuses The Vote in 2012

4:22 pm
Opinion: Give Fetuses The Vote in 2012

This past November, I watched with horror as Barack Hussein Obama captured the White House from our beloved GOP. Our party shattered into little fragments, and some of those were lost to the blue side. I don’t know if we can bring the intellectuals, the libertarians, or the soccer moms […]

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Opinion: The Fetuses Just Don’t Grasp The Importance of The Issues

4:20 pm
Opinion: The Fetuses Just Don’t Grasp The Importance of The Issues

Lately, our country has been swept by a sort of neo-nostalgic nationalism, if you know what I mean. There are just tons of groups popping up advocating for the rights of fetuses and the unborn. Well I’m not going to tackle all of our civil liberties dilemmas at once–but if […]

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Opinion: Fetuses Don’t Deserve the Right To Vote- Animals Do!

4:19 pm
Opinion: Fetuses Don’t Deserve the Right To Vote- Animals Do!

Look, man, the neofascist, religious freakout Republicans are calling for the government to extend voting rights to fetuses. And that’s crazy, man. It shouldn’t even be up for debate. For one thing, fetuses are just a bunch of cells that will eventually become a person. They don’t have feelings. They […]

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Michael Phelps: “Gold Medalist of Bong Hits”

4:16 pm
Michael Phelps: “Gold Medalist of Bong Hits”

COLUMBIA (AP) – On Monday, the public relations representative for Michael Phelps was forced to face difficult questions about an alleged photo of the Olympian smoking marijuana out of a bong. The photo was taken at the University of South Carolina where Phelps was apparently trying to get a “well-deserved […]

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