“It was a hard choice,” Paul said, “but it seemed the appropriate thing to do.  A great player has to retire on top.  One bad move and I could be forgotten forever.  One wrong decision and I could end up somewhere shitty, like on some guy’s dinner plate in South Beach.  I didn’t want to risk the respect that people have for me to chase some greedy pipedream.”

Though most people are disappointed with Paul’s decision to retire, saddened by the prospect of filling out their own March Madness brackets, one individual is actually pleased with the octopus’ decision to step down.

“Paul’s retirement will finally give me a chance to shine,” said Mani the Parakeet, whose incorrect choice in the World Cup final has rendered him nearly forgotten. “The world will be looking for the next big psychic animal to help them bet on sports matches.  I may have let them down last time, but I’ve been practicing the channeling of my psychic abilities and I’m confident that I’ll never make another mistake.”

When asked to predict what Paul the Octopus would do next, Mani replied, “Well, Brad Childress from the Minnesota Vikings has been asking Paul to return to professional predicting so that he can tell the team whether or not they’ll win the Super Bowl.  I predict that Paul will probably waffle around for a bit, but he’ll unquestionably return to predicting next season.  Paul is just addicted to the sport.  That’s all there is to it.”

Well, we’ll just have to wait and see.  But until then, Paul will be sorely missed from the world of sports.

RECENT UPDATE: Folks, Mani the Parakeet was wrong again.  Paul has just announced that he is going to pursue a career in baseball with the White Sox, and has hinted that if he’s very poor at the sport he may return to predicting.

Jenkins explained, “For years I was suffocating in my room up there—I lived just a few feet away from my parents. It was awful. But then I realized, ‘I live in America!  I shouldn’t have to deal with this! I should be independent!’ That’s when I decided to move to the basement, where I can stay up as late as I want and I don’t even need to look for a job. To top it off, Mom says that since I’m on my own, I only have to eat half of my vegetables at dinner.”

Tyrell’s parents, who, after much deliberation, have decided not to accompany their son on his life-changing trip to the basement, are proud of their son. “I’m glad he’s finally moving on,” said his mother, Mary Jenkins. “We were so worried about him. He didn’t have a job, he wasn’t making any money, he hadn’t even brought a girl home in six months! But now, just look at him, he’s made real progress. In just a few more years, he might even move up to the attic to start a family.”

Candidates must demonstrate their abilities on Dollie Day, when hopefuls need to show the band what they’re made of. “We get dollies of all shapes and sizes on Dollie Day,” said assistant manager Ditto. “Small wheels, big wheels, wide base, short base, the list goes on…But we look for the ones who move best under lots of pressure.”

Also, the Band said that there will be a strict  “no riding the dollies” policy to prevent wear and tear and possible injury.

When asked about the new dollies, junior tuba player Shotgun expressed his relief. “I’m just glad the process is over, and we have chosen the best ones. Carrying my tuba around was getting to be a real drag.”

There has been a lot of positive feedback on the new dollies. Mellophone player Shazbot said, “I’m really glad we have these new ones. They move really well and make us look really good. They also go wherever you push them without much fuss.”

Though the outhouse draw went largely according to plan, the event did have a few snags. Specifically, two of the draw groups were split over the course of the draw. “There’s nothing better than hanging out in the bathroom with my girlfriends—it’s why I came to Synergy. Now, I’m stuck in outhouse seven with Suzie Thallows.  ResEd seriously needs to reform the outhouse draw process,” said Synergy resident Jenny Rempel.

I’m Joe, but you can call me the “Police Blogger.” No, that’s not what my friends call me, it’s just what I call myself. This is my first blog post, so excuse the typos and ramblings.

Normally, in the paper you see the police blotter, where you read all the crimes. But I’m the police blogger–I give you the crimes and then I give you my opinions.

Let’s begin: Yesterday at 3:15 p.m., a Macbook was stolen from Hewlett 200 from some girl Carli. First off, Carli, seriously? Everyone knows Stanford students are hungry for extra first generation Macbooks. Plus, the report says you didn’t have a lock and are not actually sure that you lost it and that it might still be in your dorm room under your bed. I think what we have here is a case of the “I need to be more responsible”s.

Ok, next up: Last week in Mirrielees, a recording device was found in a bedroom. First off, creepy. Second, really? Ok, guys, if you are looking for recording space, I have this friend who does a really great job, he’s really professional and he can record your band for cheap. He’s done a bunch of local bands before–I’ll give you his number.

Last: Another day, another bike crash outside the Post Office. What can I tell you guys? Helmets is the name of the game. Let’s act like grown ups.

“I was doing my rounds, just like any other day,” explains Private Jonathan Sanchez, now being hailed as an American hero.  “And then I saw this little sliver of translucent material flutter across my path, and I just had this, this gut-feeling you could call it.  I was like ‘There he is’.  And so I grabbed it.”

Sanchez and others who have assisted in partially-capturing bin Laden receive praise for their instincts and ’soldier smarts’, two qualities necessary to engage in this new type of warfare.

“We’re playing a whole different ballgame now,” explains General Reese Clark, spokesman for the new bin Laden initiative.  “The American People are wondering why we haven’t caught him, they’re wondering where he is.  Well, we’re in the process of catching him, and he’s in the soil, water, and air.”

Sanchez concurs.  “We’re not taking our eyes off the prize.  It would be immensely helpful, of course, if we found the actual live body of bin Laden, as opposed to, say, scraps of beard hair, flakes of skin.  But in the meantime it gives the American people comfort to know that measures are being taken.”

Certain military experts remain skeptical, pointing out that of the 10^27 atoms that have at one point been in the body of Osama bin Laden, odds are that trillions upon trillions have escaped earth’s gravity by this point and are currently floating through regions of interstellar space.  But Clark remains steadfast.  “I see no problem with using rocketry to realize our ultimate objective,” he says.  “We have to remember that this is the man who had planes flown into our buildings, who brutally cut short the lives of 3000 innocents.  No price is too high.”
 

“We were shocked when we made this discovery. If my mother has been clear about anything, it’s that you don’t let anyone, and I mean anyone, touch the queen. She wouldn’t even let me play chess, and I’m her son,” said Prince Charles, the eldest son of Queen Elizabeth. 

Investigators report that the Queen touches herself at least five times a day. Chief investigator William Doyle explained, “Our best estimate is that the Queen touches herself in the shower, while she’s sleeping and even while she’s eating. Sometimes she even touches herself where everyone can see her—in front of cameras, the media and the royal family. It’s amazing no one has picked up on this before now.”

Despite the bed of trouble the Queen appears to be in, Diana Kingsly, expert in royal protocol, explained why the Queen might be okay: “The rule is not absolute. There are exceptions and corollaries. For example, if both parties in question are wearing gloves, it should be okay.”

Fortunately, the citizens of Great Britain empathize with the Queen. Scott Chumley shared his feelings with us. “I think it’s really awful what they’re doing to [the Queen]. I mean, I touch myself more than a few times every day. To demand that the Queen live without feeling her own touch is a bit extreme.” Others share Mr. Chumley’s feelings. Alicia Kensing said, “I understand what the Queen’s going through. People thought I was wrong when they saw me touching myself, too, but it’s really just unfair. Whatever happens with this investigation, Elizabeth will still be my Queen.”

After several weeks of writing a column, I have been called “self-righteous masculinist,” “playa,” “pimp,” “thoughtless man-whore” and “shallow,” to which I proudly plead guilty.

You’ve got me pinned; I’m your stereotypical guy who thinks of nothing more than sex (specifically every six seconds, that is), and I’m here to tell you that we’ve been persecuted for far too long.

People may claim this is the age of sexual liberation, where you can go around talking about blowjobs and orgies and bestiality all you want, but I am living proof that this is simply not true. I won’t even tell you what happened the last time I started talking about my forays into bestiality.

We men, when we go out, we are just trying to claim our god-given right to the blowjob. The only thing we ever think about is boobs and vaginas and boobs and asses and vaginas and boobs. Yes, women of the world, you’ve got us figured out. Boobs.

All we do is read ESPN magazine to find out about the latest sex positions and drink beer to find enlightenment on the best pick up lines. This is our life.

And if you are a man who goes out just to get a simple blowjob every night, only to come back with a hug, I challenge you. I dare you to say no to these Stanford girls who tease you. Traumatizing studies have come out recently, revealing that a majority of Stanford men have been involved in a life-altering tease. Many of these men have never recovered.

You may think, “This can’t happen to me,” “This is Stanford,” “I’m a nice guy” or other similar thoughts, but I assure you, these teasers walk amongst us. They may look like your average girl, but trust me, these women are vicious. So BE CAREFUL PLEASE!

To discuss your forays into bestiality, e-mail flipside@stanford.edu.

At first, Messner reacted with panic to the realization that she was a chronic rationalizer, but after a few minutes, she started to calm down. “Actually, when I think about it, I don’t rationalize all that often,” she thought to herself. “Besides, almost everybody I know does it, so it definitely can’t be that big of a deal.” By the time Professor Walton started talking about repression, Messner had forgotten the whole incident ever happened.

The milk spill was traumatic for Laggers, many of whom were seen drenched in milk and holding half-empty glasses. Tens of bewildered victims with half-shaved milk mustaches were seen roaming around Lag Dining. Woeful cries of “Got milk?” could be heard from all floors of Roble.

In light of the slow response, Cardona has received widespread criticism. “I just don’t understand how she could ignore us when we needed her help,” said Erika Harker ‘11.

Daniel Nguyen ‘12 thought Cardona’s inaction was intentional. “I know that if this spill had happened on the other side of campus, Cardona would’ve been there in a second. The real reason for Cardona’s absence is obvious–Cardona don’t like Lag people.”

President Cardona issued a statement justifying her response. “Obviously, this is a serious challenge, but my mother told me never to cry over spilled milk. When I heard about the disaster, I got to Lag as soon as I could. There are those who think my response was too slow, who claim that this spill is my ‘Hurricane Katrina,’” Cardona continued, “but those people don’t understand how hard I’ve worked to stop this milk from going sour. I absorbed excess milk with a paper towel. I posted milk safety signs to stop such a spill from happening again. I’ve worked with milkmen from all around campus.”

Though Cardona has received a great deal of criticism, some think her performance has been praiseworthy. “I think people are making this larger than it needs to be,” said Katrina historian Douglas Brinkley. “This spill wasn’t anything like Katrina. Compared to that disaster, this was nothing—there wasn’t even any chocolate milk involved in the spill.”

Experts predict the containment effort will stop the milk from spreading beyond the confines of Lag Dining, but only time will tell whether this spill be worse than the Juice Catastrophe of ’74.