Author Uses Obscure Definition Of “Ejaculate” Like That’s Totally Normal

April 15, 2017 9:00 am
Author Uses Obscure Definition Of “Ejaculate” Like That’s Totally Normal

Students in PWR 2: Rhetoric of Feeling have reported that in their most recent reading for the class, the author in their infinite wisdom chose to replace all instances of “said” with the word “ejaculate” as if that was a totally ordinary usage for the term. While one of the […]

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Sorority Enters Annual Molting Season

April 10, 2017 12:01 pm
Sorority Enters Annual Molting Season

With the smell of rush still ripe in the spring air, Tau Omega sorority has once more entered their annual molting season, thus beginning to shed their earthly forms, reborn and ready for new members. The chapter’s house is already littered with crafts, glitter, yummy snacks, and—both most importantly and […]

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Nuclear Option: Senate “Confirms” That Young Neil Gorsuch Is HOT

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Neil Gorsuch Senior Year 1985
Georgetown Preparatory School, Rockville, MD
President of the Yard
Credit:  Seth Poppel/Yearbook Library

While only a narrow majority of the Senate confirmed Neil Gorsuch for the Supreme Court, everyone in Congress confirmed that young Neil Gorsuch was one Supreme Hunk! Reputable inside sources cite that a number of Republican senators, desperate for a way out of the lengthy Democratic filibuster, decided to band […]

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Local Freshman Only One Not Doing Rush Limbaugh

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Local Freshman Only One Not Doing Rush Limbaugh

Sitting alone in the Donner common area while intermittent thuds emanated from every single other room in the building, local freshman Demetrius Klumpp came to the discomforting realization late Friday night that he was the only person in the entire university not doing Rush Limbaugh. “I guess I didn’t get […]

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Student Making Millions Off Chase Bank’s $500 Flyers

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Student Making Millions Off Chase Bank’s $500 Flyers

In a stroke of genius yet to be realized by any other Stanford students or Chase Bank’s top advertising executives, sophomore Greg Nicholson has begun cashing in the widespread offer of $500 from Chase Bank’s advertisements for opening up checking and savings accounts. Nicholson reportedly scoops up these flyers every […]

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“Man, Napoleon Sure Was A Douche,” Opines Chaz Jackson

April 9, 2017 12:00 pm
“Man, Napoleon Sure Was A Douche,” Opines Chaz Jackson

STANFORD, CA—Citing the French leader’s devastating military campaigns and egomaniacal desire for power, sophomore Chaz Jackson reportedly declared Napoleon Bonaparte a “douche” in yesterday’s FRENCH 132 section. “Yeah, I mean, I guess he did some cool stuff, but at the end of the day Napoleon was really just a big […]

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