Sophomore “Too Successful” After Switching Major to CS Halfway Through Career Fair

October 9, 2017 5:00 pm
Young smiling man holding his resume applying for a job

As application season for summer jobs swings into full gear, one enterprising student has found trouble in an unexpected place: after changing his major to CS halfway through a career fair, sophomore Noah Evans was overwhelmed by “so, so many” job offers. “I was actually a Classics major up through the […]

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Roommate’s Cactus Looking Awfully Judgmental Right Now

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Roommate’s Cactus Looking Awfully Judgmental Right Now

Stanford, CA—Noting that the succulent sure had a strange look about it, sophomore Nicolas Dermond reported yesterday that his roommate’s cactus, which commands an uncomfortably central position in their one-room double and, if it had eyes, could see just about everything, was looking awfully judgmental right now. “Jesus, did he […]

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Op-Ed: Hello, I Am Forky The Spoon, Social Pariah

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Op-Ed: Hello, I Am Forky The Spoon, Social Pariah

Salutations.  I write to you from the prison of my earthly carcass, the simple form of a stainless steel handle extending into a shallow bowl shape.  I am currently huddled in the dark corner of my jailor’s utensil drawer, exiled by my intolerant and bigoted peers.  I am Forky the […]

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The Top Five Times The Guy From Planet Earth Encouraged Me to Kill All My Birds

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The Top Five Times The Guy From Planet Earth Encouraged Me to Kill All My Birds

David Attenborough, that mischievous scamp who does the voice-overs on BBC’s award-winning Planet Earth, is always encouraging me to murder my pet birds. Here are the top five strategies he’s attempted. The Time He Backed It Up With Evidence Mr. Attenborough is first and foremost a man of science, so […]

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The Kardashians Are Pregnant, And Taylor Swift Is The Father

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The Kardashians Are Pregnant, And Taylor Swift Is The Father

Three of the most important Kardashian sisters, Kim, Khloé, and Kendall, announced their respective pregnancies last week. Though fans have rejoiced, one question remains: Who is the father? Shocking new reports reveal that the father of these children may be none other than the relatable-and-hatable, fresh-faced country pop singer-songwriter, Taylor […]

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Area Chicken Lays One-Hell-Of-A Motherfuckin’ Egg

October 5, 2017 5:00 pm
Area Chicken Lays One-Hell-Of-A Motherfuckin’ Egg

Gilroy, CA —  Farmer Fred Porter, owner of Porter farms, awoke Sunday morning to find that his prized chicken, Chad, had laid what appeared to be a dope as fuck egg. The find came as a major relief to Mr. Porter and his family, who have struggled in recent months with […]

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