Donald Trump Releases Tax Returns Into The Everglades

March 13, 2017 12:00 pm
Donald Trump Releases Tax Returns Into The Everglades

After months of controversy and evasion, President Donald Trump has finally released his tax returns into the tranquil groves of the Florida wetlands. Though the tax returns’ precise location has been kept classified to prevent further disturbance of the surrounding habitat, accounting experts assured reporters that the newly freed tax […]

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Russian Oligarch “Totally Fine” With Putin Seeing Other Businessmen

March 11, 2017 9:57 am
Russian Oligarch “Totally Fine” With Putin Seeing Other Businessmen

Russian oil tycoon Dmitri Spirakov, multi-billionaire and shadow operator of the Russian state, has announced that he “has absolutely no problem” with President Vladimir Putin seeing other corrupt magnates too. “No, no, it’s totally fine with me”, commented the massively wealthy petroleum baron. “Putin has been very clear that ours […]

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Sexually Active Man Tests Positive for Harpies

March 6, 2017 12:00 pm
Sexually Active Man Tests Positive for Harpies

When local sex-haver Vikram Üntergrim went to get a free STD screening at Vaden, he was worried that his frequent hookups had left him with some sort of venereal disease. But the diagnosis he ultimately received was far worse: he had harpies. “The first time I realized that something might […]

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Russia Behind Everything You Want To Happen, Everything You Don’t Want To Happen

12:00 pm
Russia Behind Everything You Want To Happen, Everything You Don’t Want To Happen

The Russian government has released a statement today, explaining that they are behind every single thing that you wanted to happen, and also behind all of the things you don’t want to happen too. From supporting our current far-right government, to backing the dissident actions of civil rights and labor […]

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Bop It Unveils Wildly Unpopular New “Suck It” Feature

12:00 pm
Bop It Unveils Wildly Unpopular New “Suck It” Feature

Earlier this week, Bop It, the popular Hasbro toy first unveiled in the late 1990s, received a much-needed facelift after many years of devoted service to entertaining. Joining the ranks of the classic “Bop It,” “Twist It,” and “Pull It” is the new, extremely controversial “SUCK IT” feature, which many […]

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Op-Ed: Those Are Some Fine Chompers You Got There

7:43 am
Op-Ed: Those Are Some Fine Chompers You Got There

Wow.  Now look at those colossal pearly whites. I’d kill to have me some mighty chompers like those in my mouth.  So white, so clean, so big and sharp.  How do you keep them so nice?  Is there some special tooth-goo that can get my old gnashers looking as good […]

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