Hey Kid, Your Drawing Fucking Sucks But Check Out My SoundCloud

December 4, 2017 12:00 pm
Hey Kid, Your Drawing Fucking Sucks But Check Out My SoundCloud

Wow, what is that even supposed to be kid? It looks like you microwaved a bowl of crayons, mixed the wax with cereal, ate the cereal, threw it up, and then called it a picture of a dinosaur. Is that thing that looks like athlete’s foot supposed to be your […]

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Op-Ed: I got matched with Marc Tessier-Lavigne on Marriage Pact and now he won’t stop texting me

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Op-Ed: I got matched with Marc Tessier-Lavigne on Marriage Pact and now he won’t stop texting me

I filled out the Stanford Marriage Pact survey in a quest for love. A freshman at Stanford, I was feeling a little lost, and along comes a way to form an instant connection in the most meaningful way possible: algorithm-based love through a short online form. Nervously, I awaited my […]

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Sustainability Success: EPA Director Scott Pruitt Has Murdered Enough Babies to Make America Carbon Neutral

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Sustainability Success: EPA Director Scott Pruitt Has Murdered Enough Babies to Make America Carbon Neutral

It’s been a tough year for Scott Pruitt, but it looks like things might finally be turning around for the recently­appointed Environmental Protection Agency head. In a press release Tuesday, Pruitt proudly reported that the United States has achieved a net­zero aggregate carbon footprint for the first time in recent history, all due to Pruitt’s innovative “Murder Our Rugrats Order Ninety” strategy. The MORON initiative has now completed its first 6 months in operation, and the numbers tell a promising story. Before the program began, there were approximately 4 million babies in the United States and the country had a total carbon footprint of 6,870 million metric tons of carbon dioxide equivalents. Since the strategy was implemented, the agency has disposed of 3.98 million carbon­intensive babies, and reduced America’s carbon footprint to a perfect zero. Liberals and conservatives nationwide have celebrated the success for demonstrating that the EPA can be politically successful while still moving away from their nefarious history of industry regulation. “I sure do miss Oklahoma, but boy oh boy do I enjoy my new job,” Pruitt offered when asked about the success. “I just love being able to work with kids!” In other news, current Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Ben Carson has announced a recent surplus of government­issued meat, which will be distributed among the homeless of Washington, D.C. this Christmas.

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Stanford Athletics Announces Plan To Pay Students To Attend Games Played By Unpaid Student Athletes

November 15, 2017 12:00 pm
Stanford Athletics Announces Plan To Pay Students To Attend Games Played By Unpaid Student Athletes

Following another disappointing student turnout at a home football game, Stanford Athletics revealed its latest promotion. In its new ‘paid-for-view’ program, every student in attendance at home sporting events will be paid a handsome $16 an hour. Citing “a huge sum of money from boosters who wanted to see students […]

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Gaieties actor on vocal rest ends up taking permanent vow of silence, no one cares

November 14, 2017 3:09 pm
Gaieties actor on vocal rest ends up taking permanent vow of silence, no one cares

Sources confirmed yesterday that an actor in Gaieties 2017 who has been on vocal rest for the past three days, Gen Erick ‘21, has decided to take a permanent vow of silence. Other sources confirmed that no one cares. “I just feel more at peace than I’ve ever felt,” typed […]

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Smallpox back, better than ever

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Smallpox back, better than ever

There are times in your life where you just stop where you are, and you feel this sudden and acute ache in your heart, like you’re missing something but you just don’t know what it is. Well, worry no more! The variola virus, commonly known as smallpox, is back and […]

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