Area Man Saving Himself For Politics or Coaching

Local grad student Mark Henderson has announced he will abstain from sexual intercourse until he is elected to public office or becomes a football coach. “I’ve made the decision to wait,” said Mark as he flipped through the pages of Playboy just to read the articles. “I think sex is best saved...

May 3rd, 2012

New Contemplation Center the Result of Aggressive Game of “Text or 4.2 Million Dollar Building”

Stanford Board of Trustees member Wendy Munger woke up in a daze last Sunday morning only to realize that she had approved a new 4.2 million dollar contemplation center as part of a ridiculous game. Modeled after Text or Shot, “Text or 4.2 Million Dollar Building” forces players to either...

May 1st, 2012

Mavericks Make Lamar Odom Inactive, So He Can Focus On His Reality Show

Forward Lamar Odom was dismissed from the reigning NBA champion Dallas Mavericks last Thursday so he could focus on his reality show. “Best show on TV,” said Mavericks Owner, Mark Cuban, as he complained about a foul call in the third quarter of last week’s game. “I felt like his time would be...

April 19th, 2012

Peyton Manning Leaves Football to Focus on his Papa John’s Commercial Career

After being cut by the Colts last week, Peyton Manning has decided to walk away from the game of football and into the game of Papa John’s commercials. “I’ve done a couple commercials for Papa. We even got to the super bowl once,” Peyton said as he replaced his football helmet...

March 12th, 2012

IHUM Replacement “Thinking Matters” In Search of Catchy Abbreviation

With SUES and the Faculty Senate on board with the replacement for IHUM, the search has begun for a catchy abbreviation for the class. Called “Thinking Matters,” the initial suggestion of ThinkMat leaves much to be desired. “ThinkMat just sounds so nerdy,” said Carly Hammond as...

March 5th, 2012

Google Privacy Policy Prompts Pedophiles, Terrorists To Switch To Bing

March 5th, 2012

Google Glasses to Tell People the Weather

By the end of the year, Google will release physical glasses that will tell people whether or not it is raining. “We are really excited about this advance in technology,” said Sergei Brin as he donned a prototype that looked like stunna shades, “It uses advanced computer vision techniques...

March 1st, 2012

ESPN Apologizes For Offensive Jeremy Lin Headline Because Lin Doesn’t Wear Armor

February 27th, 2012

University Finds Leland Junior’s Remains in XOX Basement

After revoking the lease from Chi Theta Chi, the university went in to clean up and renovate the house to bring it in accordance with university standards (two desks per room, one mirror, a house map, etc). However, during this renovation, many previously undiscovered secrets were revealed. The janitorial...

February 21st, 2012