Articles by: Zach Galant

Steve Jobs Hologram to Speak at Commencement

May 29, 2012 9:00 amComments Off on Steve Jobs Hologram to Speak at Commencement
Steve Jobs Hologram to Speak at Commencement
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Area Man Saving Himself For Politics or Coaching

May 3, 2012 6:00 amComments Off on Area Man Saving Himself For Politics or Coaching
Area Man Saving Himself For Politics or Coaching

Local grad student Mark Henderson has announced he will abstain from sexual intercourse until he is elected to public office or becomes a football coach. “I’ve made the decision to wait,” said Mark as he flipped through the pages of Playboy just to read the articles. “I think sex is […]

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New Contemplation Center the Result of Aggressive Game of “Text or 4.2 Million Dollar Building”

May 1, 2012 6:00 amComments Off on New Contemplation Center the Result of Aggressive Game of “Text or 4.2 Million Dollar Building”
New Contemplation Center the Result of Aggressive Game of “Text or 4.2 Million Dollar Building”

Stanford Board of Trustees member Wendy Munger woke up in a daze last Sunday morning only to realize that she had approved a new 4.2 million dollar contemplation center as part of a ridiculous game. Modeled after Text or Shot, “Text or 4.2 Million Dollar Building” forces players to either […]

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Mavericks Make Lamar Odom Inactive, So He Can Focus On His Reality Show

April 19, 2012 8:00 amComments Off on Mavericks Make Lamar Odom Inactive, So He Can Focus On His Reality Show
Mavericks Make Lamar Odom Inactive, So He Can Focus On His Reality Show

Forward Lamar Odom was dismissed from the reigning NBA champion Dallas Mavericks last Thursday so he could focus on his reality show. “Best show on TV,” said Mavericks Owner, Mark Cuban, as he complained about a foul call in the third quarter of last week’s game. “I felt like his […]

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Peyton Manning Leaves Football to Focus on his Papa John’s Commercial Career

March 12, 2012 6:00 amComments Off on Peyton Manning Leaves Football to Focus on his Papa John’s Commercial Career
Peyton Manning Leaves Football to Focus on his Papa John’s Commercial Career

After being cut by the Colts last week, Peyton Manning has decided to walk away from the game of football and into the game of Papa John’s commercials. “I’ve done a couple commercials for Papa. We even got to the super bowl once,” Peyton said as he replaced his football […]

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IHUM Replacement “Thinking Matters” In Search of Catchy Abbreviation

March 5, 2012 8:01 amComments Off on IHUM Replacement “Thinking Matters” In Search of Catchy Abbreviation
IHUM Replacement “Thinking Matters” In Search of Catchy Abbreviation

With SUES and the Faculty Senate on board with the replacement for IHUM, the search has begun for a catchy abbreviation for the class. Called “Thinking Matters,” the initial suggestion of ThinkMat leaves much to be desired. “ThinkMat just sounds so nerdy,” said Carly Hammond as she began planning a […]

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Google Privacy Policy Prompts Pedophiles, Terrorists To Switch To Bing

8:00 amComments Off on Google Privacy Policy Prompts Pedophiles, Terrorists To Switch To Bing
Google Privacy Policy Prompts Pedophiles, Terrorists To Switch To Bing
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Google Glasses to Tell People the Weather

March 1, 2012 6:00 amComments Off on Google Glasses to Tell People the Weather
Google Glasses to Tell People the Weather

By the end of the year, Google will release physical glasses that will tell people whether or not it is raining. “We are really excited about this advance in technology,” said Sergei Brin as he donned a prototype that looked like stunna shades, “It uses advanced computer vision techniques to […]

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ESPN Apologizes For Offensive Jeremy Lin Headline Because Lin Doesn’t Wear Armor

February 27, 2012 6:00 amComments Off on ESPN Apologizes For Offensive Jeremy Lin Headline Because Lin Doesn’t Wear Armor
ESPN Apologizes For Offensive Jeremy Lin Headline Because Lin Doesn’t Wear Armor
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University Finds Leland Junior’s Remains in XOX Basement

February 21, 2012 6:00 amComments Off on University Finds Leland Junior’s Remains in XOX Basement
University Finds Leland Junior’s Remains in XOX Basement

After revoking the lease from Chi Theta Chi, the university went in to clean up and renovate the house to bring it in accordance with university standards (two desks per room, one mirror, a house map, etc). However, during this renovation, many previously undiscovered secrets were revealed. The janitorial team […]

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