President Obama Vetoes Keystone Pipeline, Call For Pabst Blue Ribbon Pipeline

Recently, President Obama has come under fire for refusing to approve construction of a Keystone pipeline from Alberta, Canada to the United States. Critics claim that the pipeline would have created jobs, helped boost the economy, and provided a supply of low-quality alcohol that could have satisfied...

February 25th, 2012

Econ 1A Student Announces He Will Fix the US Economy

Alvin Peterson, a freshman who is enrolled in Econ 1A, has recently announced that he has discovered the solution to all of the country’s economic problems. Having covered the first three chapters of the introductory textbook, which Alvin apparently obtained through a “sweet deal on Amazon,” the...

January 31st, 2012

Bill to Replace Scientific Method with “Blue’s Clues” Method

CAPITOL HILL—Today, Congress heard arguments over a bill that would mandate the replacement of the scientific method with what lawmakers are calling the “Blue’s Clues” method. The bill would eliminate observational evidence, rigorous laboratory analysis, and doctored scientists with paw prints,...

December 8th, 2011

“Beat Cal” Slogan Ruining Calvin Andrew’s Life

Junior Calvin Andrews is a good guy. He gets good grades and participates in community service and extracurricular activities. Sadly, during Calvin’s freshman year, his friends started calling him “Cal.” Ever since adopting the unfortunate moniker, Calvin has been the victim of numerous, relentless...

November 16th, 2011

Campus Police Create Task Force to Combat “Meal Fraud”

After growing pressure from dining halls across campus, Stanford Police has finally decided to crack down on meal fraud. “The numbers were off,” said Wilbur Hall Dining general manger Alan Freedman, “And not just by a little. Our studies show that total losses due to meal fraud are in the hundreds...

November 1st, 2011

Massive Search Conducted For Freshman’s Keys

On Tuesday, Kelly Andrews woke up, brushed her teeth, and left her dorm room for class. It was just like any other Tuesday. But then disaster struck. “They must have fallen out of my pocket while I was biking through the quad,” said a visibly shaken Andrews, “I reached into my pocket, and… they...

October 31st, 2011

Poor Attendance to Jesus’ “Seminar on the Mount”

On Tuesday, Jesus of Nazareth descended from the heavens to deliver a seminar at Stanford University. The subject of the talk, according to the Light of the World himself, was “how to find happiness on earth and assure passage into the kingdom of heaven.” At approximately 12:00PM, as advertised...

October 22nd, 2011