Articles by: Sebastian Von Zerneck

President Obama Vetoes Keystone Pipeline, Call For Pabst Blue Ribbon Pipeline

February 25, 2012 6:00 amComments Off on President Obama Vetoes Keystone Pipeline, Call For Pabst Blue Ribbon Pipeline
President Obama Vetoes Keystone Pipeline, Call For Pabst Blue Ribbon Pipeline

Recently, President Obama has come under fire for refusing to approve construction of a Keystone pipeline from Alberta, Canada to the United States. Critics claim that the pipeline would have created jobs, helped boost the economy, and provided a supply of low-quality alcohol that could have satisfied the United States’ […]

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Econ 1A Student Announces He Will Fix the US Economy

January 31, 2012 6:00 amComments Off on Econ 1A Student Announces He Will Fix the US Economy
Econ 1A Student Announces He Will Fix the US Economy

Alvin Peterson, a freshman who is enrolled in Econ 1A, has recently announced that he has discovered the solution to all of the country’s economic problems. Having covered the first three chapters of the introductory textbook, which Alvin apparently obtained through a “sweet deal on Amazon,” the FroSoCo resident has […]

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Bill to Replace Scientific Method with “Blue’s Clues” Method

December 8, 2011 6:00 amComments Off on Bill to Replace Scientific Method with “Blue’s Clues” Method
Bill to Replace Scientific Method with “Blue’s Clues” Method

CAPITOL HILL—Today, Congress heard arguments over a bill that would mandate the replacement of the scientific method with what lawmakers are calling the “Blue’s Clues” method. The bill would eliminate observational evidence, rigorous laboratory analysis, and doctored scientists with paw prints, a thinking chair, and the Salt and Pepper Family. […]

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“Beat Cal” Slogan Ruining Calvin Andrew’s Life

November 16, 2011 1:00 amComments Off on “Beat Cal” Slogan Ruining Calvin Andrew’s Life
“Beat Cal” Slogan Ruining Calvin Andrew’s Life

Junior Calvin Andrews is a good guy. He gets good grades and participates in community service and extracurricular activities. Sadly, during Calvin’s freshman year, his friends started calling him “Cal.” Ever since adopting the unfortunate moniker, Calvin has been the victim of numerous, relentless assaults on his person. “Everywhere I […]

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Campus Police Create Task Force to Combat “Meal Fraud”

November 1, 2011 6:00 amComments Off on Campus Police Create Task Force to Combat “Meal Fraud”
Campus Police Create Task Force to Combat “Meal Fraud”

After growing pressure from dining halls across campus, Stanford Police has finally decided to crack down on meal fraud. “The numbers were off,” said Wilbur Hall Dining general manger Alan Freedman, “And not just by a little. Our studies show that total losses due to meal fraud are in the […]

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Massive Search Conducted For Freshman’s Keys

October 31, 2011 6:00 amComments Off on Massive Search Conducted For Freshman’s Keys
Massive Search Conducted For Freshman’s Keys

On Tuesday, Kelly Andrews woke up, brushed her teeth, and left her dorm room for class. It was just like any other Tuesday. But then disaster struck. “They must have fallen out of my pocket while I was biking through the quad,” said a visibly shaken Andrews, “I reached into […]

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Poor Attendance to Jesus’ “Seminar on the Mount”

October 22, 2011 6:00 amComments Off on Poor Attendance to Jesus’ “Seminar on the Mount”
Poor Attendance to Jesus’ “Seminar on the Mount”

On Tuesday, Jesus of Nazareth descended from the heavens to deliver a seminar at Stanford University. The subject of the talk, according to the Light of the World himself, was “how to find happiness on earth and assure passage into the kingdom of heaven.” At approximately 12:00PM, as advertised in […]

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