Board of Trustees To Buy $4.2 Million of “Contemplation Toilets”

After an extensive study regarding the contemplation resources available on campus, the Stanford Board of Trustees took a decisive action in a vote this past week and designated 4.2 million dollars for construction of contemplation toilets. Board member Louis Calloway explained, “We’ve realized...

April 30th, 2012

Disgruntled Groundskeeper Plants Crimson Flowers Instead of Cardinal Flowers

Jarring. Surreal. Nightmarish. These are only a few words that have been used to describe the aftermath of disgruntled gardener John Scarborough’s rampage. Fed up and undervalued, John spent an entire weekend planting flowers all over campus that are crimson, rather than the iconic Stanford cardinal....

April 23rd, 2012

How To Seduce Your Professor In 5 Easy Steps

So you want to seduce your professor. Not a problem! You may have already looked to the internet for help, but the WikiHow (which exists) will bring you nothing but heartache. Luckily, I’m hear to straighten things out!* Step 1: First Contact Send your professor an email about something plausible,...

April 3rd, 2012

OAPE Typo Turns “Alcohol Free” Party Into “Free Alcohol” Party

The Office of Alcohol P E (OAPE) experienced an unexpected surge in popularity last week after a typo in an internal memo changed an “alcohol free” event into a “free alcohol” event. Thanks to this mix-up, the OAPE singlehandedly funded the school’s largest pre-game event...

March 12th, 2012

Dance Marathon Falls $150 Short of Curing AIDS

Several days after the Stanford 24-hour-long fiesta that is Dance Marathon, the staff who have dedicated the last few months to meticulously planning the annual event released the final numbers: 452 dancers, 67 hackers, 7,000 Cheetos consumed, and a staggering $60,075.82 raised. This is the closest...

February 21st, 2012

Earth Continues to Perilously Circle Blazing Star

It’s a classic sci-fi disaster scenario – the intrepid explorers find themselves trapped in the inexorable gravitational pull of a star, facing annihilation in its blazing core. But this is no late-night double feature B-movie. Scientists have expressed concern that the Earth itself is caught...

February 13th, 2012

Decision to Euthanize IHUM Sparks Controversy

IHUM used to be a thriving forum where students sparred and matched wits, a place where students could break bread with such intellectual giants as Nietzsche and Marx. But starting a few years ago, everything changed. IHUM theses became vague and supporting evidence faded away. Attendance fell and Facebook...

February 6th, 2012

Normal Twins Joined Together at Mass U General Hospital

For the past nine months, expectant parents Janet and Bob Marshall prayed every day for conjoined twins. The young couple was crushed when Janet delivered two normal separate twins last week. “Of course I love my children no matter what,” said Janet, “but what mother doesn’t want what’s best...

November 17th, 2011

Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan-ites Rejoice as Dictator Replaced by New Dictator

Hope springs anew in the war- and poverty-plagued middle east as Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan holds democratic elections following the toppling of its long-standing dictatorship. Already, the new terrorist-sponsored regime is in place and implementing such progressive policies as gender-neutral stoning...

November 10th, 2011

Muslim Student Union Holds “Mosque-oleum” Party

Following the success of the Muslim Student Union’s Alternative FMOTQ, the MSU held its first ever Mosque-oleum party to give Mausoleum-wary students another option. Though the MSU wasn’t sure at first whether there would be enough demand to justify the event, an astounding 40% of students...

November 4th, 2011