Sad Cow Disease Found in California Dairy Cow

Yesterday afternoon, the U.S. Department of Agriculture confirmed a severe case of Sad Cow Disease in a dairy cow from Glenwood, California–contradicting the oft-cited fact that happy cows come from California. According to the USDA report, the onset of the illness was abrupt and unexpected. The...

May 7th, 2012

OAPE Selects 24 Random Freshman to Participate in the Drinking Games

In a yearly celebration designed to remember the horrors of excess alcohol consumption and the Great Alcohol Transport of 1994, Stanford will celebrate the Drinking Games this week. Last week, one boy and one girl were selected from each freshman dorm in an event known as the Draw. These students, known...

April 9th, 2012

Visiting Poet Laureate Shares Acrostic Masterpiece

Last Sunday evening, in front of a packed crowd at Memorial Auditorium, Poet Laureate Steven Hirshfeld recited his latest critically-acclaimed work: an acrostic poem entitled “STEVEN.” After a 45-minute introduction by English professor Tobias Wolff, who told several witty anecdotes and dropped...

January 23rd, 2012

Normal Twins Joined Together at Mass U General Hospital

For the past nine months, expectant parents Janet and Bob Marshall prayed every day for conjoined twins. The young couple was crushed when Janet delivered two normal separate twins last week. “Of course I love my children no matter what,” said Janet, “but what mother doesn’t want what’s best...

November 17th, 2011

Taylor Swift Posts Topless Photos to Prove Previous Topless Photos Were Fake

Last week, scandal erupted when a celebrity gossip website posted photos of a topless young woman and claimed that the woman was none other than Taylor Swift. Swift’s representatives quickly assured fans that the photos were fake, but these statements did little to stop negative speculation about...

November 12th, 2011

Area Man Beats Cigarette Addiction by Taking Up Cocaine

Redwood City, CA– In the latest feel-good news, 33-year-old Colin Martin has finally defeated his decade-long addiction to cigarettes by taking up cocaine. “I tried so many different approaches to quit smoking,” explained Colin. “Cold turkey, nicotine gum, hypnosis . . . none...

November 11th, 2011

Heart Disease Found to be Purely Psychological

According to the results of a groundbreaking study performed at Harvard Medical School, heart disease is a purely psychological condition. Previously, scientists believed that heart disease was caused by a complex combination of factors such as high blood pressure, obesity, and heredity. However, a series...

November 3rd, 2011

Researchers Use Twitter to Predict What People Are Tweeting

This week, a group of scientists at MIT published a ground-breaking study in which they use Twitter to predict what people are tweeting. In the past, researchers have successfully used Twitter to predict stock market fluctuations, box-office sales, riots, and even typhoons, but this is the first time...

October 29th, 2011

CHINLIT 18N Enrollment Skyrockets Since Last Autumn

Following in the footsteps of CS 106A, enrollment in CHINLIT18N: Hints of Homosexuality in Daoist Literature has more than doubled since last autumn, according to the latest statistics from the Registrar’s Office. The course, which had two students in 2010, currently has five students enrolled...

October 10th, 2011

Nobody Likes Girl’s Facebook Status Update

Last Thursday evening, disaster struck Caity Dalton ’14 when her Facebook status update received zero likes over a period of more than four hours. At 8:32 pm, Dalton posted the following new status: “spent all day shopping for bikinis with @Angie Marshall and @Genna Thomas ” She recalls...

April 24th, 2011