Articles by: Kenneth Portman

University Unveils Useless Construction Project

June 1, 2009 7:54 pm0 comments
University Unveils Useless Construction Project

In the face of across the board cuts throughout the university, Stanford today demonstrated its commitment to useless construction projects. The university today released a new plan to repaint all 4,375 lamp posts across campus. The lamp post project is part of the larger ambitious campus-wide plan to that includes […]

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Liberal Tea-Baggers Counter-Protest with Organic Free Trade Jasmine Matche Green Tea

May 5, 2009 12:21 am0 comments
Liberal Tea-Baggers Counter-Protest with Organic Free Trade Jasmine Matche Green Tea
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Human Remains Discovered In South Stacks

April 20, 2009 11:56 pm0 comments
Human Remains Discovered In South Stacks

Michelle Stanton thought it would be a normal trip to the library. She had a slip full of call numbers and was making her way through the dark, labyrinthine shelves of books that make up the “South Stacks.” That’s when she saw what investigators now believe are the remains of […]

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Stanford Library Cavity Search Yields Valuable Microfilm

February 2, 2009 5:51 pm0 comments
Stanford Library Cavity Search Yields Valuable Microfilm

Stanford, CA – At most libraries Michael Blum (’10) would have walked away with a microfilm reel of Better Homes and Gardens from 1955. But not at Stanford. The library’s draconian checkout search policy finally paid off Friday when, after a comprehensive cavity search, a library employee found the microfilm […]

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Obama Names David Plouffe to Head New Department of Spam

January 18, 2009 3:00 pm0 comments
Obama Names David Plouffe to Head New Department of Spam

WASHINGTON, D.C—In a historic move keeping with campaign practices and marking the growth of electronic communication, President Elect Barack Obama has announced the creation of a new Department of Spam, to be headed by David Plouffe. Plouffe is known for his unremitting emails to supporters, sometimes numbering in the tens […]

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Hanukkah Gelt Gains on Weak Dollar

December 7, 2008 7:59 pm0 comments
Hanukkah Gelt Gains on Weak Dollar
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Italics Malfunction Rids Campus of Pretentious Papers

November 16, 2008 8:07 pm0 comments
Italics Malfunction Rids Campus of Pretentious Papers

A system error of Microsoft Word caused widespread disabling of the italics function earlier this week, forcing faculty and graduate students across the country to remove italicized foreign-language words from papers and articles, making their prose easier to read and less pretentious. “This is a problem of cyclopean proportions,” said […]

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