University Unveils Useless Construction Project

In the face of across the board cuts throughout the university, Stanford today demonstrated its commitment to useless construction projects. The university today released a new plan to repaint all 4,375 lamp posts across campus. The lamp post project is part of the larger ambitious campus-wide plan to...

June 1st, 2009

Liberal Tea-Baggers Counter-Protest with Organic Free Trade Jasmine Matche Green Tea

May 5th, 2009

Human Remains Discovered In South Stacks

Michelle Stanton thought it would be a normal trip to the library. She had a slip full of call numbers and was making her way through the dark, labyrinthine shelves of books that make up the “South Stacks.” That’s when she saw what investigators now believe are the remains of Dennis Flanders (’78)....

April 20th, 2009

Stanford Library Cavity Search Yields Valuable Microfilm

Stanford, CA – At most libraries Michael Blum (’10) would have walked away with a microfilm reel of Better Homes and Gardens from 1955. But not at Stanford. The library’s draconian checkout search policy finally paid off Friday when, after a comprehensive cavity search, a library employee found...

February 2nd, 2009

Obama Names David Plouffe to Head New Department of Spam

WASHINGTON, D.C—In a historic move keeping with campaign practices and marking the growth of electronic communication, President Elect Barack Obama has announced the creation of a new Department of Spam, to be headed by David Plouffe. Plouffe is known for his unremitting emails to supporters,...

January 18th, 2009

Hanukkah Gelt Gains on Weak Dollar

December 7th, 2008

Italics Malfunction Rids Campus of Pretentious Papers

A system error of Microsoft Word caused widespread disabling of the italics function earlier this week, forcing faculty and graduate students across the country to remove italicized foreign-language words from papers and articles, making their prose easier to read and less pretentious. “This...

November 16th, 2008