Articles by: Katie Mary Pitzer Adams

As End of Subscription Period Nears, Student Decides Which Friendships to Renew

June 5, 2014 9:00 amComments Off on As End of Subscription Period Nears, Student Decides Which Friendships to Renew
As End of Subscription Period Nears, Student Decides Which Friendships to Renew

Clicking through his Facebook photos, sophomore Jeff Rogers knew he was facing some difficult choices. The approaching summer means that he must evaluate which friendships he will continue to subscribe to and which he will let lapse over the summer. “It’s not as straightforward of a choice as it might […]

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End of Year Banquet Helps Student Complete Waistward Expansion

June 2, 2014 12:00 pmComments Off on End of Year Banquet Helps Student Complete Waistward Expansion
End of Year Banquet Helps Student Complete Waistward Expansion
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Ike’s Replacement Last Step in Stanford Owning Your Soul

May 19, 2014 12:01 pmComments Off on Ike’s Replacement Last Step in Stanford Owning Your Soul
Ike’s Replacement Last Step in Stanford Owning Your Soul

“It’s true,” said a representative of the University, “Your last shred of free will has just evaporated.” When asked why the institution was being so open with its diabolical plans now, the representative simply replied, “It doesn’t matter any more, does it? It’s too late now.” Even a couple of weeks […]

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Careening “Bike Ride of Terror” Caused by Spider on Handlebars

April 16, 2014 9:00 amComments Off on Careening “Bike Ride of Terror” Caused by Spider on Handlebars
Careening “Bike Ride of Terror” Caused by Spider on Handlebars

Many will remember the now infamous “Bike Ride of Terror” that left so much carnage strewn across campus last Wednesday. The hapless bike rider flew around at breakneck speeds, injuring dozens. Thirty-six independent bike collisions occurred before the rider flipped into a dry fountain. A tour group was also sideswiped. […]

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“The Light Breeze of Liberty Tickles My Testicles:” Stanford’s New Motto Revealed

March 6, 2014 12:00 pmComments Off on “The Light Breeze of Liberty Tickles My Testicles:” Stanford’s New Motto Revealed
“The Light Breeze of Liberty Tickles My Testicles:” Stanford’s New Motto Revealed

The final word, “Testicles,” had barely left President Hennessy’s lips before he was trying to explain himself. “No one understands the context of this announcement,” he yelled over the chorus of shouting reporters, “I’ll have to go back to the beginning.” “I was sick with shame,” he said as the […]

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Between Being Hungry and Being Full, Student Has No Time for the Gym

February 6, 2014 9:00 amComments Off on Between Being Hungry and Being Full, Student Has No Time for the Gym
Between Being Hungry and Being Full, Student Has No Time for the Gym

  Gerald Smith wants to have a healthy lifestyle. His body, however, has other plans. The omnipotence of Smith’s feeding cycle is his greatest obstacle. As regular and unpreventable as the tides produced by the tug of the moon, it guides every waking moment. Given his dining hall limits its […]

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Stanford’s Last Fucks Reported Missing

January 22, 2014 12:03 pmComments Off on Stanford’s Last Fucks Reported Missing
Stanford’s Last Fucks Reported Missing

Sources report Alan Worth, a sophomore known widely throughout campus as the last student with fucks in his possession may have lost the title this weekend. While anyone has yet to file an official report, Worth’s dorm mates came to the conclusion that the fucks were no longer present upon […]

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Sad Santa: Claus Suffers from Seasonal Affective Disorder

January 16, 2014 9:00 amComments Off on Sad Santa: Claus Suffers from Seasonal Affective Disorder
Sad Santa: Claus Suffers from Seasonal Affective Disorder

At a low point in a post-holiday interview, Santa Claus broke down and revealed that he has Seasonal Affective Disorder, also known as SAD. His hyperactivity and celebrated generosity at every Christmas for the past centuries have all been an attempt to cope with his illness. “When I was a […]

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Stanford Student Doesn’t Deserve to Be Here, Plans to Make the Most of It

January 13, 2014 12:01 pmComments Off on Stanford Student Doesn’t Deserve to Be Here, Plans to Make the Most of It
Stanford Student Doesn’t Deserve to Be Here, Plans to Make the Most of It

The doubts started with his acceptance letter. His test scores were solidly in the bottom quartile, his application essays obviously outsourced, and most of his extracurriculars entirely fabricated. When Richard Johnson showed up on move-in day, he was shocked that no one forcibly removed him from the campus. “While it […]

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Sexual Health Awareness to Penetrate All Aspects of Student Life

November 20, 2013 9:00 amComments Off on Sexual Health Awareness to Penetrate All Aspects of Student Life
Sexual Health Awareness to Penetrate All Aspects of Student Life

Deciding that no part of life on campus should be left untouched by educators, Stanford’s administration has disclosed that it is giving responsibility for the creation of next year’s dorm themes explicitly to the university’s Peer Health Educators. The PHEs came together last night to allow their creative juices to […]

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