Articles by: Jamie Rodriguez

Op-Ed: Those Are Some Fine Chompers You Got There

March 6, 2017 7:43 amComments Off on Op-Ed: Those Are Some Fine Chompers You Got There
Op-Ed: Those Are Some Fine Chompers You Got There

Wow.  Now look at those colossal pearly whites. I’d kill to have me some mighty chompers like those in my mouth.  So white, so clean, so big and sharp.  How do you keep them so nice?  Is there some special tooth-goo that can get my old gnashers looking as good […]

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Report: Trump’s Actual Skin Quite Thin Too

February 27, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Report: Trump’s Actual Skin Quite Thin Too
Report: Trump’s Actual Skin Quite Thin Too

WASHINGTON D.C. – In addition to reports of Donald Trump having “too thin skin” because of his impulsive retaliations on Twitter against any sort of criticism, a recently leaked account of the president’s last checkup has revealed that his actual skin is quite thin too. It’s stretched so precariously over […]

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Quote of the Week 1/23/17

January 23, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Quote of the Week 1/23/17
Quote of the Week 1/23/17

“Sure, you can talk the talk, but can you squawk the squawk?” -The intimidating leader of my bird gang.

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The Muffin Man Arrested For Disorderly Conduct

12:00 pmComments Off on The Muffin Man Arrested For Disorderly Conduct
The Muffin Man Arrested For Disorderly Conduct

RENO, NV – Last week, police arrested the Muffin Man, 59, in a residential area of Reno, Nevada after receiving disturbing reports from neighbors.  Local residents called police after the Muffin Man reportedly began violently knocking on doors asking for a ride to Drury Lane while wearing nothing but a […]

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My Sunday Afternoon With Vice President Elect Mike Pence

January 17, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on My Sunday Afternoon With Vice President Elect Mike Pence
My Sunday Afternoon With Vice President Elect Mike Pence

We began the day with a light stroll through the farmer’s market down the road. I wanted to hold his hand, but he held them behind his back for the entire forty-five minutes.  I picked up some ingredients for snacks on the picnic we had planned, and only Mike’s favorites: […]

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Ruth Bader Ginsburg Awaits Full Moon For Sacrament Of Eternal Life

November 14, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Ruth Bader Ginsburg Awaits Full Moon For Sacrament Of Eternal Life
Ruth Bader Ginsburg Awaits Full Moon For Sacrament Of Eternal Life

  “For the good of the nation,” she whispers as she plunges the ancient dagger into the heart of a wild boar.  Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, 83, looks up at the full moon with completely black eyes, absorbing the life force of the fading creature beneath her.  In […]

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Facebook Friend From High School Tries To Uncover Truth About Crooked Hillary Before Media Silences Him

November 1, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Facebook Friend From High School Tries To Uncover Truth About Crooked Hillary Before Media Silences Him
Facebook Friend From High School Tries To Uncover Truth About Crooked Hillary Before Media Silences Him

YOUR FACEBOOK TIMELINE — After the last debate between presidential hopefuls Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, your Facebook friend from high school, Tom Bartlett, was driven to find out the truth about “Crooked Hillary.”  Of course, your old acquaintance who used to butt-chug at parties couldn’t just count on the […]

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Swing State Starting To Get Weirded Out By Candidates

October 31, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Swing State Starting To Get Weirded Out By Candidates
Swing State Starting To Get Weirded Out By Candidates

Historically reliable for the Republican party, the state of Texas has recently been declared a swing state in the 2016 presidential election. It has thus become a deeply contested battleground between the Democratic and Republican hopefuls, seeking to cement their electoral victories. However, this increasingly prevalent attention from the candidates […]

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Op-Ed: Student’s Horizons Already So Widened After Two Weeks Abroad

October 10, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Op-Ed: Student’s Horizons Already So Widened After Two Weeks Abroad
Op-Ed: Student’s Horizons Already So Widened After Two Weeks Abroad

EUROPE — Bonjour, uncultured swine.  I write to you from a park bench overlooking the River, using cigarette butts from an ash tray I found in a hospital waiting room.  Someone pick-pocketed my fountain pen and also my passport and additionally my wallet (it happens all the time abroad, even […]

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Frat Pledge Enters Final Stage of Metamorphosis

May 25, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Frat Pledge Enters Final Stage of Metamorphosis
Frat Pledge Enters Final Stage of Metamorphosis

Breaking the sinews of his cocoon, Kappa Tau pledge Scott Wright releases a long, screeching wail from his four mouths. He is ready. He has almost completed the metamorphosis process begun when he accepted his fraternity bid. Only a young larva then, he has broken out of his human form to undergo […]

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