Articles by: Jonathan Engel

Hacker Realizes The Real Mainframe Was Inside Him All Along

February 13, 2017 5:31 pmComments Off on Hacker Realizes The Real Mainframe Was Inside Him All Along
Hacker Realizes The Real Mainframe Was Inside Him All Along
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Trump Threatens To Bomb Country That NPR Is From

12:00 pmComments Off on Trump Threatens To Bomb Country That NPR Is From
Trump Threatens To Bomb Country That NPR Is From

After a security briefing marked by screaming, jumping jacks, and heavy breathing, Trump has demanded that the military “find whichever country, the one that NPR is in, and bomb the crap out of them.” Proceeding to rant about it on Twitter, Trump emphasized the need to deliver violent justice to […]

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Experts Suggest ‘Alternative Facts’ Fad Will Soon Give Way To ‘Indie Facts’

February 7, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Experts Suggest ‘Alternative Facts’ Fad Will Soon Give Way To ‘Indie Facts’
Experts Suggest ‘Alternative Facts’ Fad Will Soon Give Way To ‘Indie Facts’

After much controversy surrounding the Trump administration’s embracement of ‘alternative facts’, sociologists at Stanford have concluded that this new troubling fad will eventually give way to ‘indie facts’, which will generally be much more interesting and pleasant. Although alternative facts are all the rage right now, experts have concluded that […]

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Satire Dead? Don’t Worry, ‘The Onion’ Doing Fine Thanks To Investments In Blood Diamonds

February 6, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Satire Dead? Don’t Worry, ‘The Onion’ Doing Fine Thanks To Investments In Blood Diamonds
Satire Dead? Don’t Worry, ‘The Onion’ Doing Fine Thanks To Investments In Blood Diamonds

The past few weeks have been difficult for satirists the world over, as the Trump administration’s increasingly outlandish policy proposals have made even the silliest of satirical premises seem dour and plausible by comparison. Of particular concern to commenters around the world has been the future ‘The Onion’, a genre-defining […]

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Democrat Who Just Showed Up To First Protest Doesn’t Understand Why Its Platform Is Different From His

January 30, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Democrat Who Just Showed Up To First Protest Doesn’t Understand Why Its Platform Is Different From His
Hundreds gather at Daley Plaza for an anti-Trump rally on Inauguration Day, Jan. 20, 2017. | Ashlee Rezin/Sun-Times

Reports have come in that during one of the many rallies that took place over the past two weeks, sophomore Junior Milicic “really gave it a shot, guys,” but was confused by the presence of demands not directly consistent with those of the Democratic Party. “I got to the protest, […]

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Op-Ed: Gen X Was Great, Millennials Are A Useless Pile Of Rocks

January 26, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Op-Ed: Gen X Was Great, Millennials Are A Useless Pile Of Rocks
Op-Ed: Gen X Was Great, Millennials Are A Useless Pile Of Rocks

As we inaugurate a new political administration, now is a good time to reflect on generational boundaries. On the one hand, we have the Gen Xers, who, despite their many shortcomings, have given the world such wonderful gifts as the iPhone and the band Nirvana. On the other hand, we […]

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Trump Family Dog Somehow Also Terrible

January 23, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Trump Family Dog Somehow Also Terrible
Trump Family Dog Somehow Also Terrible
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Nation Nervously Looks On As Trump Appoints Horse To Senate, Takes Up Fiddle

January 20, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Nation Nervously Looks On As Trump Appoints Horse To Senate, Takes Up Fiddle
Nation Nervously Looks On As Trump Appoints Horse To Senate, Takes Up Fiddle

Growing more uneasy with the decision each passing day, Washington insiders have reported that Trump declared his intent to replace Rand Paul (R-KY) with his purebred stallion, Amazing Horse, after Paul’s decision to vote against the Republican party line on a healthcare initiative. This news is worryingly timed, as leading […]

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For Orthodox Christians, War On Christmas Rages On

January 11, 2017 9:00 amComments Off on For Orthodox Christians, War On Christmas Rages On
For Orthodox Christians, War On Christmas Rages On

Despite the fact that December 25th now lies behind us, the War On Christmas continues, with the bloodiest fighting occurring in Orthodox Christmas, also known as Occupied Early January. While many involved in the conflict concern themselves primarily with Christmas’s aggressive expansion toward Thanksgiving, gobbling up virtually the entirety of […]

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Navy’s $4 Billion Destroyer Successfully Destroys $4 Billion

December 5, 2016 11:59 amComments Off on Navy’s $4 Billion Destroyer Successfully Destroys $4 Billion
Navy’s $4 Billion Destroyer Successfully Destroys $4 Billion
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