Articles by: Jonathan Engel

Area Coach Reminds Team That There Is One Meat In “Team”

March 13, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Area Coach Reminds Team That There Is One Meat In “Team”
Area Coach Reminds Team That There Is One Meat In “Team”
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Donald Trump Releases Tax Returns Into The Everglades

12:00 pmComments Off on Donald Trump Releases Tax Returns Into The Everglades
Donald Trump Releases Tax Returns Into The Everglades

After months of controversy and evasion, President Donald Trump has finally released his tax returns into the tranquil groves of the Florida wetlands. Though the tax returns’ precise location has been kept classified to prevent further disturbance of the surrounding habitat, accounting experts assured reporters that the newly freed tax […]

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Trump Trades Nuclear Codes For Sweet Katana

March 11, 2017 9:54 amComments Off on Trump Trades Nuclear Codes For Sweet Katana
Trump Trades Nuclear Codes For Sweet Katana
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Man Shouts “Theater” In Crowded Fire

9:52 amComments Off on Man Shouts “Theater” In Crowded Fire
Man Shouts “Theater” In Crowded Fire
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Russia Behind Everything You Want To Happen, Everything You Don’t Want To Happen

March 6, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Russia Behind Everything You Want To Happen, Everything You Don’t Want To Happen
Russia Behind Everything You Want To Happen, Everything You Don’t Want To Happen

The Russian government has released a statement today, explaining that they are behind every single thing that you wanted to happen, and also behind all of the things you don’t want to happen too. From supporting our current far-right government, to backing the dissident actions of civil rights and labor […]

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Hacker Realizes The Real Mainframe Was Inside Him All Along

February 13, 2017 5:31 pmComments Off on Hacker Realizes The Real Mainframe Was Inside Him All Along
Hacker Realizes The Real Mainframe Was Inside Him All Along
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Trump Threatens To Bomb Country That NPR Is From

12:00 pmComments Off on Trump Threatens To Bomb Country That NPR Is From
Trump Threatens To Bomb Country That NPR Is From

After a security briefing marked by screaming, jumping jacks, and heavy breathing, Trump has demanded that the military “find whichever country, the one that NPR is in, and bomb the crap out of them.” Proceeding to rant about it on Twitter, Trump emphasized the need to deliver violent justice to […]

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Experts Suggest ‘Alternative Facts’ Fad Will Soon Give Way To ‘Indie Facts’

February 7, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Experts Suggest ‘Alternative Facts’ Fad Will Soon Give Way To ‘Indie Facts’
Experts Suggest ‘Alternative Facts’ Fad Will Soon Give Way To ‘Indie Facts’

After much controversy surrounding the Trump administration’s embracement of ‘alternative facts’, sociologists at Stanford have concluded that this new troubling fad will eventually give way to ‘indie facts’, which will generally be much more interesting and pleasant. Although alternative facts are all the rage right now, experts have concluded that […]

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Satire Dead? Don’t Worry, ‘The Onion’ Doing Fine Thanks To Investments In Blood Diamonds

February 6, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Satire Dead? Don’t Worry, ‘The Onion’ Doing Fine Thanks To Investments In Blood Diamonds
Satire Dead? Don’t Worry, ‘The Onion’ Doing Fine Thanks To Investments In Blood Diamonds

The past few weeks have been difficult for satirists the world over, as the Trump administration’s increasingly outlandish policy proposals have made even the silliest of satirical premises seem dour and plausible by comparison. Of particular concern to commenters around the world has been the future ‘The Onion’, a genre-defining […]

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Democrat Who Just Showed Up To First Protest Doesn’t Understand Why Its Platform Is Different From His

January 30, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Democrat Who Just Showed Up To First Protest Doesn’t Understand Why Its Platform Is Different From His
Hundreds gather at Daley Plaza for an anti-Trump rally on Inauguration Day, Jan. 20, 2017. | Ashlee Rezin/Sun-Times

Reports have come in that during one of the many rallies that took place over the past two weeks, sophomore Junior Milicic “really gave it a shot, guys,” but was confused by the presence of demands not directly consistent with those of the Democratic Party. “I got to the protest, […]

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