Articles by: Jonathan Engel

The Drought Is Over And It Is Time To Revel In California’s Liquid Bounty

May 22, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on The Drought Is Over And It Is Time To Revel In California’s Liquid Bounty
The Drought Is Over And It Is Time To Revel In California’s Liquid Bounty

The drought is gone, and California is saved. We did it! And now that the water’s back, we are glad to bring these wet tidings to you now. Turn on all of the water taps. Let them run. For now is a time of plenty! We’ve got water to spare, […]

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New Wine Tasting Class Teaches Students How To Intimidate People With Their Wealth

May 15, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on New Wine Tasting Class Teaches Students How To Intimidate People With Their Wealth
New Wine Tasting Class Teaches Students How To Intimidate People With Their Wealth

After hearing concerns that FRENLANG 60D French Viticulture, inadequately prepared students for the experience of wine-tasting in the real world, Stanford will introduce a new course that will more appropriately teach students how to bully their lessers with their carefully curated taste in fineries. “FRENLANG 600D will introduce Stanford students […]

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Brilliant “Le Pen -> Lapin” Pun Wasted On You Anglophone Fucks

May 7, 2017 12:20 pmComments Off on Brilliant “Le Pen -> Lapin” Pun Wasted On You Anglophone Fucks
Brilliant “Le Pen -> Lapin” Pun Wasted On You Anglophone Fucks

Attempts to cover the upcoming French election between center-right banker Emmanuel Macron and far-right professional Islamophobe Marine Le Pen have left media outlets enraged as they realize that their brilliant “Le Pen -> lapin” puns mean nothing to useless English speakers. “This is a catastrophe,” said leading satirist and French-speaker […]

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Update: Internet Still Cesspit Full Of Racism

May 1, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Update: Internet Still Cesspit Full Of Racism
Update: Internet Still Cesspit Full Of Racism

We are here this week to report that as of 6:34 PM on Sunday April 30th, the Internet is still a garbage place, and that it is mostly filled with racism. These are the results from a check that began at around 7:51 PM on Friday evening. The survey performed […]

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Villagers Concerned Tourists With Cameras Will Steal Their Intellectual Property Rights

April 26, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Villagers Concerned Tourists With Cameras Will Steal Their Intellectual Property Rights
Tourists

Reports are showing that panic has risen in a local rural village ever since the Robinson family arrived with large and fancy cameras. The people of the village are particularly worried that these cameras will allow the American tourists to steal the villagers’ intellectual property rights to images of themselves, […]

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Author Uses Obscure Definition Of “Ejaculate” Like That’s Totally Normal

April 15, 2017 9:00 amComments Off on Author Uses Obscure Definition Of “Ejaculate” Like That’s Totally Normal
Author Uses Obscure Definition Of “Ejaculate” Like That’s Totally Normal

Students in PWR 2: Rhetoric of Feeling have reported that in their most recent reading for the class, the author in their infinite wisdom chose to replace all instances of “said” with the word “ejaculate” as if that was a totally ordinary usage for the term. While one of the […]

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Man With Two Drones Now Wants To See Them Fight

April 6, 2017 8:17 pmComments Off on Man With Two Drones Now Wants To See Them Fight
Man With Two Drones Now Wants To See Them Fight

Palo Alto – Reports show that Kenneth Overman, having achieved his long-standing goal of owning two separate recreational drones, has now switched his aspirations from acquiring drones to watching them face off in a 21st century airborne reinterpretation of gladiatorial combat. While investigations seem to indicate that Overman has not […]

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Anonymous-Sounding Engineering Company Specializes In “Global Solutions”

April 2, 2017 8:07 pmComments Off on Anonymous-Sounding Engineering Company Specializes In “Global Solutions”
Anonymous-Sounding Engineering Company Specializes In “Global Solutions”

Stanford senior Alicia Wesson has reportedly found the recruitment site of the company Prismatech, an inconspicuous company actively recruiting CS and other Engineering graduates to help in their mission of “providing global solutions to the world’s most cutting edge geospatial analytics problems.” Their company website has little-to-no information about potential […]

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Area Coach Reminds Team That There Is One Meat In “Team”

March 13, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Area Coach Reminds Team That There Is One Meat In “Team”
Area Coach Reminds Team That There Is One Meat In “Team”
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Donald Trump Releases Tax Returns Into The Everglades

12:00 pmComments Off on Donald Trump Releases Tax Returns Into The Everglades
Donald Trump Releases Tax Returns Into The Everglades

After months of controversy and evasion, President Donald Trump has finally released his tax returns into the tranquil groves of the Florida wetlands. Though the tax returns’ precise location has been kept classified to prevent further disturbance of the surrounding habitat, accounting experts assured reporters that the newly freed tax […]

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