Articles by: Dylan Fugel

Chris Christie Seen Blasting Boombox Outside Trump’s Hotel Room

July 15, 2016 10:29 amComments Off on Chris Christie Seen Blasting Boombox Outside Trump’s Hotel Room
Chris Christie Seen Blasting Boombox Outside Trump’s Hotel Room
Read more ›

Honest Resume Sparks Hysterical Laughter In Boardroom

May 17, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Honest Resume Sparks Hysterical Laughter In Boardroom
Honest Resume Sparks Hysterical Laughter In Boardroom

CHICAGO, IL – Local reports out of the Windy City indicate that Stanford senior Dudley Chase, having made the mistake of submitting a resume that was an accurate representation of his administrative and editorial skills, was laughed out of the Lewis Enterprises boardroom on Sunday. Apparently, upon reading Chase’s one-page […]

Read more ›

New Radiohead Album Gives Basement-Dwellers New Thing to Yell “Mom, I’m Busy” About

May 16, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on New Radiohead Album Gives Basement-Dwellers New Thing to Yell “Mom, I’m Busy” About
New Radiohead Album Gives Basement-Dwellers New Thing to Yell “Mom, I’m Busy” About
Read more ›

Tesla Unveils Impractically Tiny Car Prototype

May 2, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Tesla Unveils Impractically Tiny Car Prototype
Tesla Unveils Impractically Tiny Car Prototype

Tesla Motors continued their technological hot streak last Thursday, unveiling a new car prototype to rave reviews and wild applause at a conference held at their headquarters in Fremont. The new Model M, which has dimensions of just 2 inches by 3 inches by 2 inches, was hailed as the […]

Read more ›

Knicks, Nets Finalize Trade of Franchise-Crippling Problems

April 27, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Knicks, Nets Finalize Trade of Franchise-Crippling Problems
Knicks, Nets Finalize Trade of Franchise-Crippling Problems

During the NBA playoffs, it is often easy to forget that there are 14 teams who did not make the postseason. On Sunday, though, the New York Nets and Brooklyn Nets made that difficult as they executed a blockbuster trade sure to shake the foundations of the NBA for years […]

Read more ›

“You’re So Vain” Singer Releases New Track Entitled: “This One’s About Warren (Beatty), (The Famous Actor)”

April 26, 2016 9:00 amComments Off on “You’re So Vain” Singer Releases New Track Entitled: “This One’s About Warren (Beatty), (The Famous Actor)”
“You’re So Vain” Singer Releases New Track Entitled: “This One’s About Warren (Beatty), (The Famous Actor)”

The music world was ecstatic to learn today that famed singer-songwriter Carly Simon has released her first new music since 2008. Simon, whose prolific song “You’re So Vain” has sparked over 40 years of speculation about its subject, released a single from upcoming album I Dated Warren Beatty In The […]

Read more ›

NFL Introduces Concussion-Friendly Programming to Boost Ratings

April 18, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on NFL Introduces Concussion-Friendly Programming to Boost Ratings
NFL Introduces Concussion-Friendly Programming to Boost Ratings

In the NFL’s annual struggle to boost April ratings with their schedule in flux between the Superbowl and the NFL Draft, Commissioner Roger Goodell has introduced a new slate of concussion-related programming. The programming was created to get American eyes back on the league and simultaneously combat the league’s recent […]

Read more ›

Kobe Ends Storied Career By Considering Passing Torch, Then Shooting Torch 50 Times Instead

April 13, 2016 11:00 pmComments Off on Kobe Ends Storied Career By Considering Passing Torch, Then Shooting Torch 50 Times Instead
Kobe Ends Storied Career By Considering Passing Torch, Then Shooting Torch 50 Times Instead
Read more ›

Mysteries of the Deep Solved by Intrepid 16-Month Old

April 11, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Mysteries of the Deep Solved by Intrepid 16-Month Old
Mysteries of the Deep Solved by Intrepid 16-Month Old

UNDER THE SEA – Heading up a 20-man expeditionary crew, local 16-month old and reported ‘smooshie-booshkins’ Timmy Kelly has given new hope to a scientific community on the verge of giving up on its under-sea research. Kelly and his crew piloted a refurbished submarine to the bottom of the Marianas […]

Read more ›

719-Headed Superdelegate Hydra Terrorizes Democratic Candidates

April 4, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on 719-Headed Superdelegate Hydra Terrorizes Democratic Candidates
719-Headed Superdelegate Hydra Terrorizes Democratic Candidates

MADISON, WI – As voters across the city turned out to multiple Madison venues in order to hear Bernie Sanders’ and Hillary Clinton’s final speeches in the state, they were met with a climate of terror and fear. Local reporters stated that they heard a guttural screech coming from the […]

Read more ›