Articles by: Barney Schmutz

Asshole Wants Poutine

January 3, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Asshole Wants Poutine
Asshole Wants Poutine

CHICAGO, IL – According to several reports within the close-knit friend group, requests from area man Mike LaVan to secure a poutine-based meal have grown increasingly urgent over the past 24-48 minutes. Poutine, Canada’s favorite heap of heart-stopping glop, is reportedly “right around the corner…and smells really good,” according to LaVan. “You guys, […]

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Family Groans as Power-Crazed Tim Cook Refuses to Unlock the Car

February 29, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Family Groans as Power-Crazed Tim Cook Refuses to Unlock the Car
Family Groans as Power-Crazed Tim Cook Refuses to Unlock the Car

Building on the hubris gained in his refusal to unlock the San Bernadino shooter’s iPhone, Apple CEO Tim Cook earned groans and eye-rolls from his wife and two children on Tuesday after adamantly refusing to open the family car. “Friends,” Cook explained, his partner Eric Jirgens folding his arms and […]

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Stanford Reveals New Questions for Class of 2019 Application

November 3, 2014 12:00 pmComments Off on Stanford Reveals New Questions for Class of 2019 Application
Stanford Reveals New Questions for Class of 2019 Application

According to a representative, the Stanford Admissions office just today announced several changes to its online application. More thoughtful and profound, the application will now consist of the following essay questions:  What matters to other people and why do you give a shit?  From Mother Theresa to Nelson Mandela, some […]

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Freshman Finally Ready to Introduce Racist Jokes into New Friendship

September 25, 2014 8:00 amComments Off on Freshman Finally Ready to Introduce Racist Jokes into New Friendship
Freshman Finally Ready to Introduce Racist Jokes into New Friendship

Having spent the duration of New Student Orientation (NSO) cultivating a respectful, genial relationship with fellow freshmen Paul Lindrey, Otero resident Philip Johnson is finally ready to broach the subject of light-hearted racism with his newfound companion. “I certainly want to respect his boundaries and don’t want to do anything […]

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Sexually-Stifled Libertarians Respond to Government Shutdown with Hardcore Pornography

October 10, 2013 9:01 amComments Off on Sexually-Stifled Libertarians Respond to Government Shutdown with Hardcore Pornography
Sexually-Stifled Libertarians Respond to Government Shutdown with Hardcore Pornography

“Government SLUTdown 69: The XXX Porn Parody” Shocks, Empassions, Has This Writer Hot AND Bothered” OMAHA — The Libertarian Party, comprised mostly of sweaty middle-aged men with bald spots and bushy eyebrows, found themselves with a whole lot of time on their hands as a result of the federal government […]

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David Shaw Finishes Classless Victory Speech with “And Fuck You UCLA”

December 3, 2012 12:00 pmComments Off on David Shaw Finishes Classless Victory Speech with “And Fuck You UCLA”
David Shaw Finishes Classless Victory Speech with “And Fuck You UCLA”
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SU Alert Describes Thousands of Old People Creeping Around Campus Over Weekend

October 9, 2012 12:02 pmComments Off on SU Alert Describes Thousands of Old People Creeping Around Campus Over Weekend
SU Alert Describes Thousands of Old People Creeping Around Campus Over Weekend

An SU Alert received by the Stanford community earlier today alerted the students, faculty and staff to thousands of old people who had been lurking around campus the previous weekend. “The SUPD has received numerous reports of suspicious individuals beyond college age roaming the campus a couple days ago. Although […]

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A Message From Flipside Founder Barney Schmutz: Thanks For Reading

June 4, 2012 9:00 amComments Off on A Message From Flipside Founder Barney Schmutz: Thanks For Reading
A Message From Flipside Founder Barney Schmutz: Thanks For Reading

Dear readers, Since I know most of you never make it past the second sentence of anything that you read (and how could you, the weather is so nice outside!), I’ll get the most important point out of the way: Thanks for reading the Flipside. But seriously, we really appreciate […]

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How To Spot a Sorority Girl

April 16, 2012 6:00 amComments Off on How To Spot a Sorority Girl
How To Spot a Sorority Girl

Here at the Flipside, we pride ourselves on knowing the ins and outs of sorority life.  If you’ve been walking around campus and going to class wondering if some girl is in a sorority, we have come up with a comprehensive survey called “How to tell if someone is a […]

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Dean Julie to Step Down in June: “If IHUM Goes, I Go”

April 11, 2012 6:00 amComments Off on Dean Julie to Step Down in June: “If IHUM Goes, I Go”
Dean Julie to Step Down in June: “If IHUM Goes, I Go”

After years of loyal service to Stanford, Julie Lythcott-Haims, Dean of Freshmen and Undergraduate Advising, has officially declared that she will resign from her position in June. Yet this will not be a calm and easy resignation into the shadows. In a press conference at the Sweet Hall, Dean Julie […]

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