Articles by: Billy Olson

Thanks to New SHPRC Policy, Freshman Has So Many More Condoms Not to Use Now

October 22, 2012 12:01 pmComments Off on Thanks to New SHPRC Policy, Freshman Has So Many More Condoms Not to Use Now
Thanks to New SHPRC Policy, Freshman Has So Many More Condoms Not to Use Now

Following the announcement that the Sexual Health and Peer Resource Center (SHRPC) would be giving out 30 condoms per quarter as opposed to the previously established number of 12, sexless freshman Richard Softkins expressed his relief that he would have so many more condoms not to use. “I understand this […]

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Freshman Relieved to Discover that Roommate is Just as Racist as He is

October 3, 2012 2:04 pmComments Off on Freshman Relieved to Discover that Roommate is Just as Racist as He is
Freshman Relieved to Discover that Roommate is Just as Racist as He is

After hearing roommate Leroy White mutter a series of racial slurs while reading an article detailing President Barak Obama’s recent speech at the United Nations, Arroyo resident and self-proclaimed hate-mongerer Dirk Hitchens reported that he was incredibly relieved that the man who sleeps across the room from him was just […]

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CoHo On Probation for Serving Alcohol during Admit Weekend

April 30, 2012 6:00 amComments Off on CoHo On Probation for Serving Alcohol during Admit Weekend
CoHo On Probation for Serving Alcohol during Admit Weekend
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Ogwumike Selected No. 1 in WNBA Draft, Relegated to Life of Poverty and Anonymity

April 23, 2012 6:00 amComments Off on Ogwumike Selected No. 1 in WNBA Draft, Relegated to Life of Poverty and Anonymity
Ogwumike Selected No. 1 in WNBA Draft, Relegated to Life of Poverty and Anonymity

While the campus and football world have been abuzz with the expectation that Andrew Luck will be selected with the first overall pick in the NFL draft, senior Nnemkadi Ogwumike was silently selected with the number one pick in the WNBA draft last Monday, tragically subjecting her to a future […]

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Santorum Aborts Campaign

April 16, 2012 6:00 amComments Off on Santorum Aborts Campaign
Santorum Aborts Campaign
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God Tells GOP Candidate to Run to Increase Obama’s Chances

November 29, 2011 3:55 pmComments Off on God Tells GOP Candidate to Run to Increase Obama’s Chances
God Tells GOP Candidate to Run to Increase Obama’s Chances
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Hennessy: “Fuck it, We’re Going to be a Football School.”

October 31, 2011 6:00 amComments Off on Hennessy: “Fuck it, We’re Going to be a Football School.”
Hennessy: “Fuck it, We’re Going to be a Football School.”

After several years of continued success on the gridiron, President Hennessy announced that Stanford University would transfer all funds dedicated to academics to the championship-contending football program. “Honestly, the average American does not give two shits that we’re one of the best academic schools in the country,” Hennessy explained as […]

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Stanford Women Run Marathon, Waste Time, Energy, Money

October 24, 2011 9:00 amComments Off on Stanford Women Run Marathon, Waste Time, Energy, Money
Stanford Women Run Marathon, Waste Time, Energy, Money

SAN FRANCISCO, CA–Waking up far too early and paying far too much money to run far much too long a distance, dozens of Stanford women headed north to San Francisco for the Nike Women’s Half-Marathon this past Sunday. “I feel really validated now that I’ve run an arbitrary distance in […]

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