Articles by: Ben Kaufman

Arkansas to Rebrand as Family-Style Entertainment Multiplex

March 14, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Arkansas to Rebrand as Family-Style Entertainment Multiplex
DCIM100MEDIA

LITTLE ROCK, AR – Seeking to combat budget shortfalls, boost name recognition, and revitalize its crumbling infrastructure, Arkansas announced plans Sunday to rebrand as a mid-price, family-style entertainment multiplex. “You’ll be telling your friends you ArkanCame, ArkanDid, and ArkanSaw more than you could have ever imagined!” Governor Asa Hutchinson (R-AR) […]

Read more ›

Wow! Hooters Just Hired 2,000 Huge-Breasted Men

February 27, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Wow! Hooters Just Hired 2,000 Huge-Breasted Men
Wow! Hooters Just Hired 2,000 Huge-Breasted Men
Read more ›

Friend That Parents Remember Isn’t Actually Close Friend

12:00 pmComments Off on Friend That Parents Remember Isn’t Actually Close Friend
Friend That Parents Remember Isn’t Actually Close Friend

“How’s Chloe?” Janice McDermott asked her daughter, Amika McDermott (’16), over the phone Monday morning, evidently unaware that the aforementioned Chloe is simply a close acquaintance of Amika’s who Mrs. McDermott happened to have passingly met at Parents’ Weekend. “I just want to check in on you and your friends—you […]

Read more ›

Man’s Slang Lexicon Deemed Lame-Skididdly

February 13, 2017 5:33 pmComments Off on Man’s Slang Lexicon Deemed Lame-Skididdly
Man’s Slang Lexicon Deemed Lame-Skididdly
Read more ›

Water-Filled Coffee Thermos Way Too Qualified For This Shit

February 6, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Water-Filled Coffee Thermos Way Too Qualified For This Shit
Water-Filled Coffee Thermos Way Too Qualified For This Shit

Realizing the whole of its temperature-maintaining design ethos was being ignored so that it could serve as a “glorified Poland Spring disposable”, the coffee thermos owned by Yusef Dominguez insisted on Monday that it was way too overqualified for its current work assignment. “Do you see what I’m being used […]

Read more ›

Santana’s “Smooth” Blankets Area CVS In Cloud Of Sinful Lust

12:00 pmComments Off on Santana’s “Smooth” Blankets Area CVS In Cloud Of Sinful Lust
Santana’s “Smooth” Blankets Area CVS In Cloud Of Sinful Lust

Beaming sinfully in over the sultry airwaves of 90.7 FM, Carlos Santana and Rob Thomas’s smash 1999 Latin-fusion seducto-jam “Smooth” enveloped the Menlo Park CVS Sunday in a cloud of amorous yearning. “One second I was comparing the Lever 2000 original bar soap with the Abra Therapeutics Body scrub, and […]

Read more ›

Power-Mad Weatherman Refuses to Hand It Back to Tom at the News Desk

12:00 pmComments Off on Power-Mad Weatherman Refuses to Hand It Back to Tom at the News Desk
Power-Mad Weatherman Refuses to Hand It Back to Tom at the News Desk
Read more ›

Ask The ‘Landfill’ Label On The Non-Recycling Garbage Can

January 29, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Ask The ‘Landfill’ Label On The Non-Recycling Garbage Can
Ask The ‘Landfill’ Label On The Non-Recycling Garbage Can

Q: Hi ‘Landfill’! I’ve been crushing on a girl on my floor for weeks, and we shared a sweet smooch at Full Moon. How do I know if there’s chemistry between us, or if our lip lock was just lunar lust? Yours, Confused in Crothers A: Oh hey there, hotshot. […]

Read more ›

Dating Prodigy to Forgo Senior Year, Join The League a Year Early

January 24, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Dating Prodigy to Forgo Senior Year, Join The League a Year Early
Dating Prodigy to Forgo Senior Year, Join The League a Year Early

Dating dynamo Dan Williams announced Sunday that he will skip his last year at Stanford to join the The League, an elite dating app for “high-achieving, diverse, and influential” singles. Three years of lunches, dinners, and “just hang[ing] out at CoHo or something” behind him, he voiced a readiness to […]

Read more ›

Guy Holding “Helen Keller” in Cards Against Humanity About to Really Get This Party Going

January 22, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Guy Holding “Helen Keller” in Cards Against Humanity About to Really Get This Party Going
Guy Holding “Helen Keller” in Cards Against Humanity About to Really Get This Party Going

As if attendees of Kamiya Stewart’s housewarming party in Suites weren’t already having a raucous time playing Cards Against Humanity, guest Chester Perez reported midway through the night that he had recently drawn the “Helen Keller” noun card, and that the laugh-factor was about to freakin’ surge. “Dude,” he explained, […]

Read more ›