Articles by: Ben Kaufman

Paul Ryan’s Son Winces as Bedtime “Atlas Shrugged” Reading Enters Hour Six

June 5, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Paul Ryan’s Son Winces as Bedtime “Atlas Shrugged” Reading Enters Hour Six
A young boy is sitting sad and depressed on his bed in his bedroom

JANESVILLE, WI — Praying that his torment would end before sunrise, Speaker Paul Ryan’s eight-year-old son Sam winced early Tuesday morning as his father’s bedside reading of “Atlas Shrugged” entered its sixth consecutive hour. “You have been paying blackmail, not for your vices, but for your virtues,” the Speaker read, […]

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Circle Of Tourists Finds Something Very Funny

12:00 pmComments Off on Circle Of Tourists Finds Something Very Funny
Circle Of Tourists Finds Something Very Funny
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Adolescent Now Self-Sufficient Enough To Resent Former Caretakers

May 9, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Adolescent Now Self-Sufficient Enough To Resent Former Caretakers
Adolescent Now Self-Sufficient Enough To Resent Former Caretakers
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Coolest Senior Excited To Move To, Be “So Over” New York

May 5, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Coolest Senior Excited To Move To, Be “So Over” New York
Coolest Senior Excited To Move To, Be “So Over” New York

After four years of blasé sighs, insatiable apathy, and open assertions that she should have gone to Yale, senior Courtney Chetwind told friends on Tuesday that she’s “ecstatic” to move to New York City and immediately become disenchanted with it. “It took only a few hours of NSO for me […]

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Trump Warns North Koreans of How Little His Administration Has to Lose

April 24, 2017 9:00 amComments Off on Trump Warns North Koreans of How Little His Administration Has to Lose
Trump Warns North Koreans of How Little His Administration Has to Lose

Underscoring its diminished political capital, low approval ratings, and crippling internal dysfunction, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer warned North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un on Tuesday of how little the present administration has to lose. “There is nothing more dangerous than an executive branch with its back against the […]

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Op-ed: ASSU elections are just a big popularity contest, and it looks like we’re the mothafuckin’ winners

April 17, 2017 12:01 pmComments Off on Op-ed: ASSU elections are just a big popularity contest, and it looks like we’re the mothafuckin’ winners
Op-ed: ASSU elections are just a big popularity contest, and it looks like we’re the mothafuckin’ winners

Editor’s note: This article was written on Saturday, prior to the release of the ASSU election results. Like you, we’re pretty damn sure the Flipside slate will win. Come on. Everyone knows that elections for ASSU exec are just a big popularity contest- a way for the cool, social, pretty […]

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Buzzfeed Journalist Waits In Back Alley For Source On Which Ed Sheeran Song Is His True Anthem

April 10, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Buzzfeed Journalist Waits In Back Alley For Source On Which Ed Sheeran Song Is His True Anthem
Buzzfeed Journalist Waits In Back Alley For Source On Which Ed Sheeran Song Is His True Anthem
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FDA Insists Massive Snake Oil Spill Won’t Do Anything

12:00 pmComments Off on FDA Insists Massive Snake Oil Spill Won’t Do Anything
FDA Insists Massive Snake Oil Spill Won’t Do Anything
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Arkansas to Rebrand as Family-Style Entertainment Multiplex

March 14, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Arkansas to Rebrand as Family-Style Entertainment Multiplex
DCIM100MEDIA

LITTLE ROCK, AR – Seeking to combat budget shortfalls, boost name recognition, and revitalize its crumbling infrastructure, Arkansas announced plans Sunday to rebrand as a mid-price, family-style entertainment multiplex. “You’ll be telling your friends you ArkanCame, ArkanDid, and ArkanSaw more than you could have ever imagined!” Governor Asa Hutchinson (R-AR) […]

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Wow! Hooters Just Hired 2,000 Huge-Breasted Men

February 27, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Wow! Hooters Just Hired 2,000 Huge-Breasted Men
Wow! Hooters Just Hired 2,000 Huge-Breasted Men
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