Cool ProFro Scores Alcohol for Upperclassmen

With Admit Weekend in the rearview mirror, rumors have begun to surface of a lone cool ProFro who managed to obtain alcohol for his hosts despite a campus-wide ban in effect throughout the weekend. The badass ProFro, whose name has not been disclosed, has elicited praise and awe from the beneficiaries...

April 30th, 2012

Kony Filmmaker Kills Thousands of (Potential) Children

April 3rd, 2012

Opinion: It’s Colder This Year Than Last Year

Dude, what the heck? It’s like, so much colder than it was last year. I know I say this every year, but this time it really seems like it’s a lot colder. Stanford usually is pretty balmy in the winter, at least, that’s the way I remember it. It’s pretty nice in the spring too. And this fall...

December 9th, 2011

Violent Students Attack Police Pepper Spray Cans With Their Eyes

Within the last week, a video showing rioting students at UC Davis attacking unarmed cans of pepper spray with their eyes has gone viral and sparked outrage among pacifist and free-speech groups. Protestors also attacked police batons with soft, vulnerable parts of their bodies such as their stomachs...

November 28th, 2011

ASSU Counters Claims That They Don’t Do Anything By Releasing Thanksgiving Hand Turkeys

Seeking to fulfill their campaign pledge of “creating tangible results that all Stanford students can appreciate”, ASSU executive members sent out a mass email containing pictures of the Thanksgiving hand turkeys that they have been working on since the beginning of the school year. “We think it’s...

November 7th, 2011

Mitt Romney Wakes Up in Vegas Married to Six Hookers and Ron Paul

Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney returned to Nashua, NH Sunday after what campaign managers tersely described as “an eventful night in Las Vegas in which Governor Romney took some time off to relax from the rigors of the campaign trail.” Anonymous sources close to the Massachusetts businessman,...

October 27th, 2011

Planned Terrorist Attack Against Saudi Ambassador Thwarted By AlertSU Text

The United States Department of Homeland Security confirmed today that the vast AlertSU intelligence network was responsible for alerting them of an impending assassination attempt against Saudi ambassador Adel Al-Jubeir. On the morning of the attempt, members of the department received simultaneous...

October 18th, 2011

Arrillaga Dining Commons Named to Honor Gymnasium

To honor what is, in the words of Stanford President John Hennessy “a gymnasium like no other”, the Arrillaga Dining Commons was christened on Friday to much fanfare. Board members paid tribute to the gym’s illustrious history, beginning as a humble basketball court in the 1960s before expanding...

October 11th, 2011

Tell-All Book Alleges Barack Obama Had Sex With Black Woman

In the wake of the political firestorm surrounding allegations that Sarah Palin once had a tryst with former NBA star Glen Rice, tabloids are now abuzz with rumors that President Barack Obama may have had sex with a black woman. The claims, which are supposedly backed by ‘reliable sources’ and...

October 3rd, 2011

What Student Groups Will Do If You Refund Them

With the ASSU voting whether to give student groups access to the list of students who requested a refund from that group, the groups have devised ways to ensure that you never do it again. Here a few of their tactics. STANFORD SPEAKERS BUREAU: Hire your celebrity crush to come give a speech about...

May 27th, 2011