Articles by: Brandon Evans

US Military Unveils Dog Capable of Smelling Hatred of America

May 24, 2011 9:00 amComments Off on US Military Unveils Dog Capable of Smelling Hatred of America
US Military Unveils Dog Capable of Smelling Hatred of America

A US military official recently announced the arrival of a groundbreaking new line of tracker dogs reportedly capable of smelling people’s hatred of America. “We needed an alternative to racial profiling,” said US military researcher Jonathan Greeley. “Everyone knows that judging a person by the color of their skin is […]

Read more ›

Bin Laden Receives Both Criticism And Praise For Porno Stash

May 15, 2011 4:10 pmComments Off on Bin Laden Receives Both Criticism And Praise For Porno Stash
Bin Laden Receives Both Criticism And Praise For Porno Stash

US military officials recently revealed that they had found a large archive of pornography in Osama Bin Laden’s compound. Analysts say this development will likely tarnish Bin Laden’s image within the predominantly conservative terrorist organizations. Aalam Bashir, a fur merchant from Pakistan, was especially disappointed in Bin Laden. “I had […]

Read more ›

Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Now 25% Cheesier!

April 9, 2011 9:00 amComments Off on Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Now 25% Cheesier!
Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Now 25% Cheesier!

Kraft Foods recently unveiled a 25% cheesier version of its popular Macaroni & Cheese line of products. Cheesiness ratings are overseen and managed by the Schleiermacher Food Sciences Association. The SFSA utilizes the Nomnom scale, where one cheddar (chdr) is equal in cheesiness density to a standard batch of Cheddar […]

Read more ›

Cruz/Macgregor-Dennis Vow to Stop Spamming Your Inbox If Elected

April 7, 2011 9:54 pmComments Off on Cruz/Macgregor-Dennis Vow to Stop Spamming Your Inbox If Elected
Cruz/Macgregor-Dennis Vow to Stop Spamming Your Inbox If Elected
Read more ›

Mideast Dictators Suffering From Low Self-Esteem, Also Civil War

April 6, 2011 9:30 amComments Off on Mideast Dictators Suffering From Low Self-Esteem, Also Civil War
Mideast Dictators Suffering From Low Self-Esteem, Also Civil War
Read more ›

Local Tiger Brags About Having Charlie Sheen Blood

9:08 amComments Off on Local Tiger Brags About Having Charlie Sheen Blood
Local Tiger Brags About Having Charlie Sheen Blood
Read more ›

Student’s Social Life Completely Reinvigorated by Quirky New Haircut

March 28, 2011 12:11 amComments Off on Student’s Social Life Completely Reinvigorated by Quirky New Haircut
Student’s Social Life Completely Reinvigorated by Quirky New Haircut
Read more ›

Invacare Releases New Pedal-Powered Wheelchairs

March 11, 2011 9:00 amComments Off on Invacare Releases New Pedal-Powered Wheelchairs
Invacare Releases New Pedal-Powered Wheelchairs

Invacare, a leading manufacturer of homecare products, has released its long-awaited line of pedal-powered wheelchairs, the Pedal Glides. “A person’s arms are usually nowhere near as powerful as their legs,” said Invacare CEO Gerald Blouch, at the Pedal Glide release party. “Now when wheelchair people are tired from using their […]

Read more ›

Critics Condemn/Applaud Obama’s Saying of Words

March 9, 2011 9:00 amComments Off on Critics Condemn/Applaud Obama’s Saying of Words
Critics Condemn/Applaud Obama’s Saying of Words

Yesterday, Obama took the opportunity to say words, a rare event that only occurs several times each day. Many political pundits have applauded Obama’s recent words, hailing them as a shaping force with the potential to change America–and the world–for the better. “Obama’s words have opened my eyes and made […]

Read more ›

Vicious TriDelt Pillow Fight Leaves 7 Dead, 16 Wounded

March 6, 2011 2:29 pmComments Off on Vicious TriDelt Pillow Fight Leaves 7 Dead, 16 Wounded
Vicious TriDelt Pillow Fight Leaves 7 Dead, 16 Wounded

Stanford students were shocked by a recent case of lighthearted playing gone horribly wrong. What started out as an impromptu pillow fight quickly devolved into a bloodbath. “Me and Laura were baking pancakes in the kitchen when we heard noises in the activity room,” said Heather Croft, survivor of the […]

Read more ›