Articles by: Brian Contreras

Some Grandparents Die, And That’s OK, And Some Grandparents Can’t Die Even If They Want To, And That’s OK Too

May 22, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Some Grandparents Die, And That’s OK, And Some Grandparents Can’t Die Even If They Want To, And That’s OK Too
Some Grandparents Die, And That’s OK, And Some Grandparents Can’t Die Even If They Want To, And That’s OK Too
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Help! I Cloned Jesus from a Mosquito Trapped in Amber and Now He’s Ruining My Theme Park

12:00 pmComments Off on Help! I Cloned Jesus from a Mosquito Trapped in Amber and Now He’s Ruining My Theme Park
Help! I Cloned Jesus from a Mosquito Trapped in Amber and Now He’s Ruining My Theme Park

When I opened this theme park all those years ago, all I had was a little cash and a big dream: to create a place where visitors could come and, even if only for a few hours, experience the presence of our one and only messiah. But now look at […]

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Op Ed: I Used to Think “Safe Spaces” Were Dumb, Then A Pack of Timber Wolves Started Stalking Me

May 19, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Op Ed: I Used to Think “Safe Spaces” Were Dumb, Then A Pack of Timber Wolves Started Stalking Me
Op Ed: I Used to Think “Safe Spaces” Were Dumb, Then A Pack of Timber Wolves Started Stalking Me

If you had talked to me about politics a few weeks ago, I would’ve had one thing and one thing only to say to you: these college kids need to stop it with their damn safe spaces! Out in the real world, they can’t expect everyone to coddle them and […]

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Unrepentant Asshole: This Sick Kid Used His Make-A-Wish To Meet Robert Downey Jr. Instead Of Bringing the Astronauts on the Challenger Shuttle Back to Life

May 9, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Unrepentant Asshole: This Sick Kid Used His Make-A-Wish To Meet Robert Downey Jr. Instead Of Bringing the Astronauts on the Challenger Shuttle Back to Life
Unrepentant Asshole: This Sick Kid Used His Make-A-Wish To Meet Robert Downey Jr. Instead Of Bringing the Astronauts on the Challenger Shuttle Back to Life
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5 Common Misconceptions About The East Coast That Just. Aren’t. True!

May 8, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on 5 Common Misconceptions About The East Coast That Just. Aren’t. True!
5 Common Misconceptions About The East Coast That Just. Aren’t. True!

At a West Coast school like Stanford, there’s bound to be a stereotype or two about our neighbors over on the other side of the country. But just because you believe something doesn’t make it true! Here are five common mistakes made about East Coasters. 1. They Call the Atlantic […]

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Trend Alert! These Hip Young Millennials Are Wearing Surgical Masks So They Don’t Inhale the Toxic Fumes of a Dying Planet

May 1, 2017 12:01 pmComments Off on Trend Alert! These Hip Young Millennials Are Wearing Surgical Masks So They Don’t Inhale the Toxic Fumes of a Dying Planet
Trend Alert! These Hip Young Millennials Are Wearing Surgical Masks So They Don’t Inhale the Toxic Fumes of a Dying Planet

Looks like the fashionistas are gonna have a field day with this one, folks. Millennials worldwide have started wearing surgical masks so they don’t breathe in the poisoned air of a slowly-dying planet, and damn do they pull it off! Sure, fashion is subjective, but come on — just take […]

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We Locked Infinite Monkeys In A Room With Infinite Typewriters, And Now The Monkeys Won’t Stop Fucking The Typewriters

12:00 pmComments Off on We Locked Infinite Monkeys In A Room With Infinite Typewriters, And Now The Monkeys Won’t Stop Fucking The Typewriters
We Locked Infinite Monkeys In A Room With Infinite Typewriters, And Now The Monkeys Won’t Stop Fucking The Typewriters
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Spring Has Sprung, And That Means All The Boba Eggs Are Finally Hatching

April 24, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Spring Has Sprung, And That Means All The Boba Eggs Are Finally Hatching
Spring Has Sprung, And That Means All The Boba Eggs Are Finally Hatching

Ah, springtime: the birds are chirping, the bees are buzzing, and the pulsating eggs at the bottom of every boba tea are slowly starting to hatch! Do you hear that noise? The dull drone of a million oozing flesh-pods, ready to burst? It’s the boba eggs, beginning to crack their […]

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Stanford Announces New Student Web Portal To Make It Easier to Access Student Web Portals

April 17, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Stanford Announces New Student Web Portal To Make It Easier to Access Student Web Portals
Stanford Announces New Student Web Portal To Make It Easier to Access Student Web Portals

In the most expansive change of its kind in Stanford history, university administration has announced the upcoming release of a revolutionary new student web portal that will make it easier to access all the other student web portals that already exist. The new application, called CardinalNext, will provide an intuitive, […]

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Antisemitic Islamophobe Can’t Pick Side in Israel-Palestine Debate

12:00 pmComments Off on Antisemitic Islamophobe Can’t Pick Side in Israel-Palestine Debate
Antisemitic Islamophobe Can’t Pick Side in Israel-Palestine Debate
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