Articles by: Brian Contreras

Wow! Nike’s Social Media Account Totally Meme’d the SHIT Out of Their Workplace Safety Violations

December 13, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Wow! Nike’s Social Media Account Totally Meme’d the SHIT Out of Their Workplace Safety Violations
Wow! Nike’s Social Media Account Totally Meme’d the SHIT Out of Their Workplace Safety Violations

Alright, everybody, go home: looks like Nike just won the internet. When Twitter users who followed the Workers Rights Consortium awoke early Thursday morning, they were met with what could’ve easily been a one-off diss. In an act of pettiness that would make even Tay-Tay blush, the labor safety watchdog […]

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Domestic Surveillance State No Match for Tape Over Laptop Camera

December 4, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Domestic Surveillance State No Match for Tape Over Laptop Camera
Domestic Surveillance State No Match for Tape Over Laptop Camera

Agents of the U.S. intelligence community were left confused and scared Wednesday morning when, upon beginning their routine surveillance of unconstitutionally-tapped digital communications, they found that high school sophomore Roy Cavendish had foiled their efforts by placing a single strip of masking tape over his laptop’s camera. “We don’t know […]

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Op-Ed: I’m Tired Of Being Called Racist Just Because I Support Small Government, Lower Taxes, And Racism

November 13, 2017 2:10 pmComments Off on Op-Ed: I’m Tired Of Being Called Racist Just Because I Support Small Government, Lower Taxes, And Racism
Op-Ed: I’m Tired Of Being Called Racist Just Because I Support Small Government, Lower Taxes, And Racism

By Robert Spencer Over the last few weeks, Stanford has erupted in debate over the College Republicans’ invitation for me to speak on campus about the dangers of Islam. And while the ruckus over that event is bad enough — as far as I’m concerned, calling someone “Islamophobic” is actually […]

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Taking A Stand: John McCain Disapproves of Tone Used in President Trump’s “Poor People Murder Night” Bill

November 6, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Taking A Stand: John McCain Disapproves of Tone Used in President Trump’s “Poor People Murder Night” Bill
Taking A Stand: John McCain Disapproves of Tone Used in President Trump’s “Poor People Murder Night” Bill

Well, looks like compromise isn’t dead after all, folks. In a stunning display of putting nation before party, American hero John McCain has broken from Republican orthodoxy and announced that he doesn’t support the tone of President Trump’s recently-introduced “Poor People Murder Night” bill. The legislation, which would give anyone […]

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Outrageous: This Lazy Susan Is Receiving Welfare Handouts Meant for Hard-Working American Cabinets

October 23, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Outrageous: This Lazy Susan Is Receiving Welfare Handouts Meant for Hard-Working American Cabinets
Outrageous: This Lazy Susan Is Receiving Welfare Handouts Meant for Hard-Working American Cabinets

Chalk this one up to another win for the socialist left, folks: according to reports coming in from Detroit, MI, a lazy susan continues to receive welfare benefits from big government even though it hasn’t made an effort to seek employment and wasn’t even born in the U.S. Disgusting! That […]

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Film Flub: If Stranger Things Takes Place in 1983, Then Why Do None of the Characters Ever Mention the April 18th Bombing of the American Embassy in Beirut?

12:00 pmComments Off on Film Flub: If Stranger Things Takes Place in 1983, Then Why Do None of the Characters Ever Mention the April 18th Bombing of the American Embassy in Beirut?
Film Flub: If Stranger Things Takes Place in 1983, Then Why Do None of the Characters Ever Mention the April 18th Bombing of the American Embassy in Beirut?
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For Sale: Mister Blister

12:00 pmComments Off on For Sale: Mister Blister
For Sale: Mister Blister

Are you a small-to-midsize ointment supplier looking to take your business in an exciting new direction? Do you sell lotions, online or door-to-door, but want to develop a more cohesive brand identity? Have you always dreamt of creating an icon as recognizable as Tony the Tiger or the Geico Gecko? […]

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Report: Asshole At Arrillaga Dining Thinks You Want to Hear Him Play Piano

October 16, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Report: Asshole At Arrillaga Dining Thinks You Want to Hear Him Play Piano
Report: Asshole At Arrillaga Dining Thinks You Want to Hear Him Play Piano

Diners at Arrillaga Family Dining Commons report that, as of 12:15pm last Thursday, some fucking asshole is playing the piano and shows no signs of stopping. “What, does he actually think anyone wants to hear this shit?” asks a regular of Arrillaga dining, Junior Arthur Petrula. “Here I am, trying […]

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The Top Five Times The Guy From Planet Earth Encouraged Me to Kill All My Birds

October 9, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on The Top Five Times The Guy From Planet Earth Encouraged Me to Kill All My Birds
The Top Five Times The Guy From Planet Earth Encouraged Me to Kill All My Birds

David Attenborough, that mischievous scamp who does the voice-overs on BBC’s award-winning Planet Earth, is always encouraging me to murder my pet birds. Here are the top five strategies he’s attempted. The Time He Backed It Up With Evidence Mr. Attenborough is first and foremost a man of science, so […]

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CompLit Major Mistakenly Under Impression He Can Refer to Classes by Number

October 2, 2017 5:00 pmComments Off on CompLit Major Mistakenly Under Impression He Can Refer to Classes by Number
CompLit Major Mistakenly Under Impression He Can Refer to Classes by Number

It is reported that Comparative Literature student Emmett Capanard keeps referring to his classes by their course code, as if anyone else on campus knows what the fuck his humanities-learnin’ ass is talking about. “I asked Emmett what he was taking this fall,” recalled Emma Blevins, a Computer Science major. “And […]

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