Articles by: Brian Contreras

Opinion: The Only Legitimate Marriage Is One Between a Man and a Woman and Me, WWE Legend Randy Orton

June 5, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Opinion: The Only Legitimate Marriage Is One Between a Man and a Woman and Me, WWE Legend Randy Orton
Opinion: The Only Legitimate Marriage Is One Between a Man and a Woman and Me, WWE Legend Randy Orton
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Report: Butts Just Call Butt Stuff “Stuff”

12:00 pmComments Off on Report: Butts Just Call Butt Stuff “Stuff”
Report: Butts Just Call Butt Stuff “Stuff”
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The Picture Wouldn’t Upload But I’m Just Gonna Describe the Political Cartoon I Drew

12:00 pmComments Off on The Picture Wouldn’t Upload But I’m Just Gonna Describe the Political Cartoon I Drew
The Picture Wouldn’t Upload But I’m Just Gonna Describe the Political Cartoon I Drew

The Trump administration must be shaking in its boots right now, if they have any idea the shitstorm they’re about to face. When the political cartoon I just wrote hits the mass media tomorrow morning, impeachment is going to be the last of Old Man Trumpy’s problems. Seriously, this little cartoon is […]

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Donald Trump Uncovers Conspiracy, Insists “This One Goes All The Way to the Top”

May 30, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Donald Trump Uncovers Conspiracy, Insists “This One Goes All The Way to the Top”
Donald Trump Uncovers Conspiracy, Insists “This One Goes All The Way to the Top”

  Gripping tightly in both hands a stack of papers that he described as “terrible stuff”, President Donald Trump gave a press briefing early yesterday morning in which he described the details of an elaborate political conspiracy he’d accidentally uncovered, going so far as to insist that it went “all […]

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Unclear Why Dad Now Writing “Mom” With Ironic Quotation Marks, But It Can’t Be Good

12:00 pmComments Off on Unclear Why Dad Now Writing “Mom” With Ironic Quotation Marks, But It Can’t Be Good
Unclear Why Dad Now Writing “Mom” With Ironic Quotation Marks, But It Can’t Be Good
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Some Grandparents Die, And That’s OK, And Some Grandparents Can’t Die Even If They Want To, And That’s OK Too

May 22, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Some Grandparents Die, And That’s OK, And Some Grandparents Can’t Die Even If They Want To, And That’s OK Too
Some Grandparents Die, And That’s OK, And Some Grandparents Can’t Die Even If They Want To, And That’s OK Too
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Help! I Cloned Jesus from a Mosquito Trapped in Amber and Now He’s Ruining My Theme Park

12:00 pmComments Off on Help! I Cloned Jesus from a Mosquito Trapped in Amber and Now He’s Ruining My Theme Park
Help! I Cloned Jesus from a Mosquito Trapped in Amber and Now He’s Ruining My Theme Park

When I opened this theme park all those years ago, all I had was a little cash and a big dream: to create a place where visitors could come and, even if only for a few hours, experience the presence of our one and only messiah. But now look at […]

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Op Ed: I Used to Think “Safe Spaces” Were Dumb, Then A Pack of Timber Wolves Started Stalking Me

May 19, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Op Ed: I Used to Think “Safe Spaces” Were Dumb, Then A Pack of Timber Wolves Started Stalking Me
Op Ed: I Used to Think “Safe Spaces” Were Dumb, Then A Pack of Timber Wolves Started Stalking Me

If you had talked to me about politics a few weeks ago, I would’ve had one thing and one thing only to say to you: these college kids need to stop it with their damn safe spaces! Out in the real world, they can’t expect everyone to coddle them and […]

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Unrepentant Asshole: This Sick Kid Used His Make-A-Wish To Meet Robert Downey Jr. Instead Of Bringing the Astronauts on the Challenger Shuttle Back to Life

May 9, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Unrepentant Asshole: This Sick Kid Used His Make-A-Wish To Meet Robert Downey Jr. Instead Of Bringing the Astronauts on the Challenger Shuttle Back to Life
Unrepentant Asshole: This Sick Kid Used His Make-A-Wish To Meet Robert Downey Jr. Instead Of Bringing the Astronauts on the Challenger Shuttle Back to Life
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5 Common Misconceptions About The East Coast That Just. Aren’t. True!

May 8, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on 5 Common Misconceptions About The East Coast That Just. Aren’t. True!
5 Common Misconceptions About The East Coast That Just. Aren’t. True!

At a West Coast school like Stanford, there’s bound to be a stereotype or two about our neighbors over on the other side of the country. But just because you believe something doesn’t make it true! Here are five common mistakes made about East Coasters. 1. They Call the Atlantic […]

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