Articles by: Brian Contreras

At Quiznos, The Customer Is Always Right, Even If That Customer Is Conspiracy Theorist Alex Jones

March 16, 2017 9:00 amComments Off on At Quiznos, The Customer Is Always Right, Even If That Customer Is Conspiracy Theorist Alex Jones
At Quiznos, The Customer Is Always Right, Even If That Customer Is Conspiracy Theorist Alex Jones

Here at Quiznos Subs and Sandwiches, we have a little saying: “The customer is always right.” They want their bread toasted? Done. They want the onions grilled? A-ok. They want to mix ketchup and mustard together into a new, ungodly condiment? Who are we to tell them no! So when […]

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Wow! CERN Just Announced Their Newest Particle, and Its Latino

March 13, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Wow! CERN Just Announced Their Newest Particle, and Its Latino
Wow! CERN Just Announced Their Newest Particle, and Its Latino

Science alert! CERN, the European Organization for Nuclear Research, just announced their newest particle. And good news, folks – it’s Latino! “This is the first particle we’ve announced that’s ethnically of latin origins”, announced Director-General Fabiola Gianotti in a weekly press briefing. “So far none of the atomic and subatomic […]

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Joseph Gorgon Levitt Turns Hearts to Mush, Rest of Bodies to Stone

12:00 pmComments Off on Joseph Gorgon Levitt Turns Hearts to Mush, Rest of Bodies to Stone
Joseph Gorgon Levitt Turns Hearts to Mush, Rest of Bodies to Stone
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Russian Oligarch “Totally Fine” With Putin Seeing Other Businessmen

March 11, 2017 9:57 amComments Off on Russian Oligarch “Totally Fine” With Putin Seeing Other Businessmen
Russian Oligarch “Totally Fine” With Putin Seeing Other Businessmen

Russian oil tycoon Dmitri Spirakov, multi-billionaire and shadow operator of the Russian state, has announced that he “has absolutely no problem” with President Vladimir Putin seeing other corrupt magnates too. “No, no, it’s totally fine with me”, commented the massively wealthy petroleum baron. “Putin has been very clear that ours […]

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Quote of the Week 3/6

March 6, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Quote of the Week 3/6
Quote of the Week 3/6

“Y’all trippin” – Man Who Spilled Bag of Marbles in Crowded Room 

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Sexually Active Man Tests Positive for Harpies

12:00 pmComments Off on Sexually Active Man Tests Positive for Harpies
Sexually Active Man Tests Positive for Harpies

When local sex-haver Vikram Üntergrim went to get a free STD screening at Vaden, he was worried that his frequent hookups had left him with some sort of venereal disease. But the diagnosis he ultimately received was far worse: he had harpies. “The first time I realized that something might […]

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Clitaurus Probably a Type of Dinosaur, Nation’s Middle Schoolers Report

February 27, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Clitaurus Probably a Type of Dinosaur, Nation’s Middle Schoolers Report
Clitaurus Probably a Type of Dinosaur, Nation’s Middle Schoolers Report

A consortium of middle schoolers has shaken America’s scientific community to the core following its announcement of startling new evidence that the Clitaurus is probably a type of dinosaur. “Well, yeah, it sounds like Tyrannosaurus,” commented lead researcher Trevor Bentonsworth during the big reveal of the team’s paradigm-shifting research, televised […]

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Quote of the Week 2/27

12:00 pmComments Off on Quote of the Week 2/27
Quote of the Week 2/27

“This Meat Is Too Wet!”   -Man Who Ordered Milk

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Stupid Salsa Verde Not Guac and Never Will Be

February 13, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Stupid Salsa Verde Not Guac and Never Will Be
Stupid Salsa Verde Not Guac and Never Will Be

Eyewitnesses at Stern Dining have reported that the cafeteria’s salsa verde is trying real hard to look like guacamole but that it doesn’t, can’t, and never will. It just isn’t smart enough. “That stupid, stupid salsa verde is acting like people actually think it’s guac”, noted regular Stern diner and […]

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True Aficionado Listens Only To Music Pressed onto 5,000-Year-Old Sumerian Clay Tablets

February 6, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on True Aficionado Listens Only To Music Pressed onto 5,000-Year-Old Sumerian Clay Tablets
True Aficionado Listens Only To Music Pressed onto 5,000-Year-Old Sumerian Clay Tablets

Citing evidence that “it’s how the artist intended their music to be heard”, area music aficionado and noted guy-with-opinions Dustin Bragel stated Sunday that, while the song being played was pretty good, it would have sounded way better if it had been etched in clay onto an ancient Sumerian tablet. […]

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