Articles by: Brian Contreras

After Years of Palace Intrigue, Machiavellian Mastermind Becomes Student Group’s Financial Officer

June 9, 2018 7:32 pmComments Off on After Years of Palace Intrigue, Machiavellian Mastermind Becomes Student Group’s Financial Officer
After Years of Palace Intrigue, Machiavellian Mastermind Becomes Student Group’s Financial Officer

“My schemes are at their zenith,” cackled sophomore Lucian Snert early Monday morning when he awoke to see an email asking him to be financial officer for his a cappella group next year. “All comes together, like a puppet master yanking strings, and my plot arises like the Leviathan from […]

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Local Partygoer Horrified to Realize Watermelon-Flavored Beer Tastes Nothing Like Watermelon

June 4, 2018 11:59 amComments Off on Local Partygoer Horrified to Realize Watermelon-Flavored Beer Tastes Nothing Like Watermelon
Local Partygoer Horrified to Realize Watermelon-Flavored Beer Tastes Nothing Like Watermelon

  Disaster struck last Friday night when junior Roderick Prune, while attending an all-campus party at TDX, took a sip from a so-called “watermelon-flavored beer” only to immediately realize it tasted nothing like watermelon and, in fact, mostly just tasted like shitty beer.   Aghast, Prune spat the drink out, […]

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Silicon Valley Thrilled by New “Uber for Serfs” Startup

May 29, 2018 12:00 pmComments Off on Silicon Valley Thrilled by New “Uber for Serfs” Startup
Silicon Valley Thrilled by New “Uber for Serfs” Startup

In an announcement that has sent shockwaves across Silicon Valley, a new startup billing itself as “Uber for Serfs” has announced plans to go public later this month. The startup, feef, is already attracting hordes of eager VC’s looking to get a stake in the company before its shares skyrocket […]

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Science Win: Neil deGrasse Tyson Just Disproved Alf

May 16, 2018 11:17 pmComments Off on Science Win: Neil deGrasse Tyson Just Disproved Alf
Science Win: Neil deGrasse Tyson Just Disproved Alf

Sci-fi fans, watch out — someone’s coming for ya! Acclaimed astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson has already made a name for himself with his cheeky debunkings of popular films and TV shows, but the Tweetstorm he unleashed last night just about takes the cake: using science, reason, and logic, Mr. Tyson […]

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We Interviewed A Guy With Shovels For Hands, But He Mainly Wanted To Discuss Wealth Inequality Instead Of The Shovel-Hands Thing

11:12 pmComments Off on We Interviewed A Guy With Shovels For Hands, But He Mainly Wanted To Discuss Wealth Inequality Instead Of The Shovel-Hands Thing
We Interviewed A Guy With Shovels For Hands, But He Mainly Wanted To Discuss Wealth Inequality Instead Of The Shovel-Hands Thing

Earlier this week, the Flipside had the opportunity to interview local legend Ernest “Shovel Hands” Mattox, a Palo Alto resident of 56 years and a freak of nature born with two large shovels instead of hands. However, although Ernest was willing to do an interview, he seemed far more interested […]

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Missile Strikes on Syrian Chlorine Factories Leave Assad’s Pool Faintly Piss-Scented

May 8, 2018 3:38 pmComments Off on Missile Strikes on Syrian Chlorine Factories Leave Assad’s Pool Faintly Piss-Scented
Missile Strikes on Syrian Chlorine Factories Leave Assad’s Pool Faintly Piss-Scented

Several days after President Donald Trump launched several targeted missile strikes against Syrian chlorine facilities in retaliation for Bashar al-Assad’s use of chemical weapons on civilians, news has emerged that the despot’s backyard pool has finally begun to smell vaguely like human piss. “We drew a red line, a big […]

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Top Four Most Brutal Death Scenes in “Avengers: Infinity War”

May 7, 2018 11:13 pmComments Off on Top Four Most Brutal Death Scenes in “Avengers: Infinity War”
Top Four Most Brutal Death Scenes in “Avengers: Infinity War”

1. Thanos Kills My Dad “Infinity War” had a lot going on, so it’s hard for me to remember every scene. But one in particular is still burned in my brain — when archvillain Thanos stopped his climactic fight with the Avengers halfway through just so he could teleport to […]

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Clippy Shows Dying Grandmother how to Write her Will

May 3, 2018 10:18 amComments Off on Clippy Shows Dying Grandmother how to Write her Will
Clippy Shows Dying Grandmother how to Write her Will
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Heartwarming: When her school couldn’t afford to buy this teacher a gun, she paid for one out-of-pocket

April 23, 2018 11:30 pmComments Off on Heartwarming: When her school couldn’t afford to buy this teacher a gun, she paid for one out-of-pocket
Heartwarming: When her school couldn’t afford to buy this teacher a gun, she paid for one out-of-pocket

Jackie Robinson Middle School in Queens, New York has been hit by multiple budget cuts over the last few years, so it’s no surprise that the school isn’t always able to afford basic classroom supplies. But while for some teachers that means just scraping by on what’s already available, English […]

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Pre-Med Student Fails Assignment After Mixing Up Yellow and Black Biles

April 13, 2018 4:45 pmComments Off on Pre-Med Student Fails Assignment After Mixing Up Yellow and Black Biles
Pre-Med Student Fails Assignment After Mixing Up Yellow and Black Biles

Being a doctor is no walk in the park, but becoming one can sometimes be even harder. At least, that’s what pre-med Junior Ron Kanielo recently discovered after receiving a failing grade on a p-set for mixing up yellow bile and black bile. Kanielo’s class — BIO 203: Introduction to […]

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