Articles by: Brian Contreras

Report: Asshole At Arrillaga Dining Thinks You Want to Hear Him Play Piano

October 16, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Report: Asshole At Arrillaga Dining Thinks You Want to Hear Him Play Piano
Report: Asshole At Arrillaga Dining Thinks You Want to Hear Him Play Piano

Diners at Arrillaga Family Dining Commons report that, as of 12:15pm last Thursday, some fucking asshole is playing the piano and shows no signs of stopping. “What, does he actually think anyone wants to hear this shit?” asks a regular of Arrillaga dining, Junior Arthur Petrula. “Here I am, trying […]

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The Top Five Times The Guy From Planet Earth Encouraged Me to Kill All My Birds

October 9, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on The Top Five Times The Guy From Planet Earth Encouraged Me to Kill All My Birds
The Top Five Times The Guy From Planet Earth Encouraged Me to Kill All My Birds

David Attenborough, that mischievous scamp who does the voice-overs on BBC’s award-winning Planet Earth, is always encouraging me to murder my pet birds. Here are the top five strategies he’s attempted. The Time He Backed It Up With Evidence Mr. Attenborough is first and foremost a man of science, so […]

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CompLit Major Mistakenly Under Impression He Can Refer to Classes by Number

October 2, 2017 5:00 pmComments Off on CompLit Major Mistakenly Under Impression He Can Refer to Classes by Number
CompLit Major Mistakenly Under Impression He Can Refer to Classes by Number

It is reported that Comparative Literature student Emmett Capanard keeps referring to his classes by their course code, as if anyone else on campus knows what the fuck his humanities-learnin’ ass is talking about. “I asked Emmett what he was taking this fall,” recalled Emma Blevins, a Computer Science major. “And […]

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Opinion: The Only Legitimate Marriage Is One Between a Man and a Woman and Me, WWE Legend Randy Orton

June 5, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Opinion: The Only Legitimate Marriage Is One Between a Man and a Woman and Me, WWE Legend Randy Orton
Opinion: The Only Legitimate Marriage Is One Between a Man and a Woman and Me, WWE Legend Randy Orton
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Report: Butts Just Call Butt Stuff “Stuff”

12:00 pmComments Off on Report: Butts Just Call Butt Stuff “Stuff”
Report: Butts Just Call Butt Stuff “Stuff”
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The Picture Wouldn’t Upload But I’m Just Gonna Describe the Political Cartoon I Drew

12:00 pmComments Off on The Picture Wouldn’t Upload But I’m Just Gonna Describe the Political Cartoon I Drew
The Picture Wouldn’t Upload But I’m Just Gonna Describe the Political Cartoon I Drew

The Trump administration must be shaking in its boots right now, if they have any idea the shitstorm they’re about to face. When the political cartoon I just wrote hits the mass media tomorrow morning, impeachment is going to be the last of Old Man Trumpy’s problems. Seriously, this little cartoon is […]

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Donald Trump Uncovers Conspiracy, Insists “This One Goes All The Way to the Top”

May 30, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Donald Trump Uncovers Conspiracy, Insists “This One Goes All The Way to the Top”
Donald Trump Uncovers Conspiracy, Insists “This One Goes All The Way to the Top”

  Gripping tightly in both hands a stack of papers that he described as “terrible stuff”, President Donald Trump gave a press briefing early yesterday morning in which he described the details of an elaborate political conspiracy he’d accidentally uncovered, going so far as to insist that it went “all […]

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Unclear Why Dad Now Writing “Mom” With Ironic Quotation Marks, But It Can’t Be Good

12:00 pmComments Off on Unclear Why Dad Now Writing “Mom” With Ironic Quotation Marks, But It Can’t Be Good
Unclear Why Dad Now Writing “Mom” With Ironic Quotation Marks, But It Can’t Be Good
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Some Grandparents Die, And That’s OK, And Some Grandparents Can’t Die Even If They Want To, And That’s OK Too

May 22, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Some Grandparents Die, And That’s OK, And Some Grandparents Can’t Die Even If They Want To, And That’s OK Too
Some Grandparents Die, And That’s OK, And Some Grandparents Can’t Die Even If They Want To, And That’s OK Too
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Help! I Cloned Jesus from a Mosquito Trapped in Amber and Now He’s Ruining My Theme Park

12:00 pmComments Off on Help! I Cloned Jesus from a Mosquito Trapped in Amber and Now He’s Ruining My Theme Park
Help! I Cloned Jesus from a Mosquito Trapped in Amber and Now He’s Ruining My Theme Park

When I opened this theme park all those years ago, all I had was a little cash and a big dream: to create a place where visitors could come and, even if only for a few hours, experience the presence of our one and only messiah. But now look at […]

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