Stanford Falls Behind in Alcohol Consumption Rates

The National rankings for college consumption of alcohol are out and once again Stanford ranks slightly below the national average. The survey was run by the Core Institute, the largest national Alcohol and Other Drug (AOD) office dedicated to students’ drug use and drinking in the nation. According...

May 2nd, 2012

SU Alert: Suspicious Finals Creep up on Students

A recent press release from the Stanford Police Department reports that a student awoke to find a broken window and a mysterious piece of paper lying among the shattered glass. Upon further investigation, it was identified as a prompt for a Comparative Literature final. This event is only one in a...

March 16th, 2012

Parents Send Student to His Room During Parents Weekend

Students across campus vacuumed and straightened like never before in preparation for the arrival of hordes of visiting parents last weekend. “I took out the recycling bin full of beer bottles, aired out the room to get rid of my roommate’s stench—I even dusted!” said Adam Bradshaw, who hoped...

March 5th, 2012

Westminster Dog Show Winner Perfects Leg Humping

Last Sunday the most puffed up and inbred dogs from around the country convened in the ultimate competition—the 136thAnnual Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. Competitive events included fetch, playing dead, and tail chasing. But one little dog stole the show, getting a perfect score in the high-stakes...

February 24th, 2012

Student at a Loss for New Things to Bitch About

As winter quarter heads into its fifth week, freshman Meagan Farley has seemingly worn out her welcome with most of her friends. While the strife of being overworked has been a popular topic for many students, apparently some have taken it too far. “Only so many times can I sit there and listen...

February 9th, 2012

Gmail Self-Conscious about New Look, Grows Needy

Since Gmail got its new facelift, users have noticed its new clingy attitude. “Every time I log onto my email, Gmail asks me how it looks,” said faithful Googler Craig Perper. “Honestly…it’s been looking heavier lately. Like maybe it got wider margins or started taking in more spam. ...

December 3rd, 2011

Rick Perry Can’t Name Three Things He’s Thankful For

Presidential hopeful Rick Perry sat down to dinner on Thursday for his favorite all-American holiday: Thanksgiving. Eager to convince his family that he deserves to be at the head of the table, he asserted that he had three things to be thankful for this year: “Health, the Second Amendment, and…” Silence...

November 28th, 2011

Stanford Offers Refund of $200 Per Rainy Day

Freshmen from all corners of the world are up in arms over the past week of occasional drizzle, claiming that they were lured into accepting admission over false pretenses. People were forced to retire their flip flops for the first time this year and bikers who neglected to buy tire fenders embarrassedly...

October 21st, 2011