Obama Can’t Stop Taking Stances on Things

They say all addictions start with a first step. For some, that step is the puff of a joint. For others, it’s the tingling sensation of playing a slot machine, but for Barack Obama, that first step was announcing his stance on gay marriage. Last week, on national television, Obama told ABC News that...

May 16th, 2012

Opinion: Why Haven’t Zimbroff/Wagstaff Done Anything Yet?

I like to think I’m a patient guy. I can watch the pot until it boils and I’ve spent more time than I’d like to admit waiting in a line that went nowhere–but even I have my limits. Even I reach a point where I have to stop and say, “You know what? Enough is enough.” Robbie Zimbroff...

May 14th, 2012

Board of Trustees To Buy $4.2 Million of “Contemplation Toilets”

After an extensive study regarding the contemplation resources available on campus, the Stanford Board of Trustees took a decisive action in a vote this past week and designated 4.2 million dollars for construction of contemplation toilets. Board member Louis Calloway explained, “We’ve realized...

April 30th, 2012

ASSU Election Proceeds Smoothly, Without Drama

Stanford sources are pleased to report that last week’s election proceeded unusually smoothly and without the melodrama and fuss that typically accompanies ASSU elections. “Nothing really happening here,” said ASSU Elections Commissioner Adam Adler, as he made the final move in a game of computer...

April 16th, 2012

Supreme Court Responds to Obama “Smack Talk,” Demands Arm Wrestle

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In response to a series of defiant and controversial statements made by President Obama, the Supreme Court issued a unanimous decision requiring Obama to “put up or shut up” by facing off against Chief Justice John Roberts in a nationally televised, high stakes arm-wrestle. Writing...

April 10th, 2012

OAPE Selects 24 Random Freshman to Participate in the Drinking Games

In a yearly celebration designed to remember the horrors of excess alcohol consumption and the Great Alcohol Transport of 1994, Stanford will celebrate the Drinking Games this week. Last week, one boy and one girl were selected from each freshman dorm in an event known as the Draw. These students, known...

April 9th, 2012

Lottery Win Brings Fame, Fortune, Success to Area Man Willard “Mitt” Romney

Red Bud, IL—Last Friday, three lucky winners earned a share of the $656 million lottery jackpot, the largest in United States history. While two of the three winners have yet to be identified, one of the winners, Willard “Mitt” Romney, has decided to come forward and share his story of good fortune....

April 4th, 2012

Sustainability Group Calls it Quits After Depleting Resources

Since 1892, The Sierra Club has operated as a staunch advocate for environmental interests, sustainability, and responsible stewardship. Last week, however, members of the famous non-profit were stunned to discover that The Sierra Club had declared bankruptcy. According to a recent audit, the organization...

February 27th, 2012

Opinion: “Let’s Talk About the Giant Particle Accelerator in the Room”

By A SLAC Employee This is hard. I don’t want to make things awkward between us, but there’s something on my mind I think we need to discuss. Every day we come to work—we try to solve the mysteries of the universe, try to develop a better understanding of the atoms that surround our existence....

January 30th, 2012

Cruise Ship Goes Down in Protest of SOPA

Last week Coasta Concordia, an Italian cruise ship carrying 4,200 passengers, ran aground and capsized off the coast of Giglio in the Mediterranean Sea. According to Francesco Schettino, the ship’s captain, the decision to send the cruise ship barreling towards the coast at high speed with no time...

January 26th, 2012