Local Partygoer Horrified to Realize Watermelon-Flavored Beer Tastes Nothing Like Watermelon

June 4, 2018 11:59 am
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Local Partygoer Horrified to Realize Watermelon-Flavored Beer Tastes Nothing Like Watermelon

 

Disaster struck last Friday night when junior Roderick Prune, while attending an all-campus party at TDX, took a sip from a so-called “watermelon-flavored beer” only to immediately realize it tasted nothing like watermelon and, in fact, mostly just tasted like shitty beer.

 

Aghast, Prune spat the drink out, threw the still mostly full can against the frat house’s wall, and sank to his knees in despair.

 

“This watermelon-flavored beer tastes NOTHING like real watermelons,” witnesses report hearing the horrified partygoer scream into the night sky, hands clenched in fists that he furiously shook at God Himself. “The can said watermelon, and yet the flavor is anything but!”

 

Prune, who has since retreated to his bedroom and only comes out for meals, refused to comment further on the scandal. Representatives from TDX, however, took full responsibility for serving students a beverage that was labeled as watermelon-flavored and yet was distinctly not.

 

“We are deeply sorry for this mistake,” said Vincent Muldoon, president of the fraternity. “When we purchased the alleged fruit beer, we thought it would taste just like fruit. However, turns out, it does not. It tastes like beer, or perchance, trash.”

 

As of press time, Prune had reportedly decided to give the outside world one more chance and attended a happy hour at EBF, only to devolve into pained screams after eating a weed brownie that tasted nothing like chocolate and everything like old mulch (Contreras).

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