Breaking: Voters Elect to Release Macriki From Her Hole

April 9, 2018 12:00 pm
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Breaking: Voters Elect to Release Macriki From Her Hole

After a long and arduous campaign season, the votes are in. And what do you know: a majority of citizens across the nation have just chosen to release Macriki from her deep, dark hole!

Macriki was sentenced to life without parole in her shame-pit for spitting in the eye of God, but the surprise emergence of a grassroots “Free Macriki” movement over the last few days ended up giving the benevolent little she-gremlin another chance for freedom at the eleventh hour. Looks like Macriki’s time in the hole won’t actually be “infinite like the fires of a dying sun,” contrary to what the High Commissioner had promised America on Macriki’s ultimate Day of Reckoning.

Macriki’s unlikely supporters, The People’s Party of Macriki Liberation, have lobbied for their namesake’s release based on the controversial claim that she did not spit into the eye of God on purpose, but rather that her leg got snagged on a fruit roll-up and that the force of her very sudden and violent fall catapulted a globule of her saliva all the way across the room and directly into His cornea. Their opposition, the Let Macriki Wither Away Party, maintain that this crime was orchestrated beforehand to advance the so-called “Big Macriki Agenda.”

Pro-Macriki activists called for a national referendum on the matter last year in an effort to repeal the Tribunal’s punishment. Fierce campaigning from both sides resulted in four injuries and the hurting of Macriki’s feelings, but finally, tonight, the race has come to an end. By a slim .2% margin, Macriki is now a free creature in the realm of man!

When given the news of her emancipation, Macriki let out a simultaneously guttural and piercing “YEE-HAW” before leaping out of her hole in a single swift bound. She was last seen galloping and whooping in the direction of God’s beachfront barbecue extravaganza, and the world is anxious to see what she does next.

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