Flipside News in Brief: Douchebags, Theater and the NRA

March 5, 2018 12:00 pm
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Flipside News in Brief: Douchebags, Theater and the NRA

Notice of Correction: Douchebag Also Fucknose

Last week, the Flipside published an article in which junior Trevor Pangloss was referred to as a “simpering douchebag.” However, it has since come to our attention that — although Pangloss is indeed a certifiable douchebag — he is also a festering fucknose. This news may come as a surprise to many of our readers who thought that Pangloss’ antics were restricted to douchebaggery but did not approach fucknose status. Sadly, after a review of the facts, we regret to report that is not the case. As Alicia Hayes ’18 put it in an email to us in response to the initial article: “After the shit Trevor pulled last week at our Alpha Phi mixer, it is clear that he is not only a douchebag but also, unfortunately, a clear fucknose.” The Flipside apologizes for this error and will review its editorial standards to prevent future such mischaracterizations from being made going forward. (Anderson)

Warning: Friend Has Shitty Show

In response to intel received from our undercover operatives embedded in the so-called “theater community,” the Flipside is issuing a Level 3 threat warning that your friend has an upcoming theatrical production and, even worse, they will be asking you to attend. This updates our previous Level 2 threat assessment, which had initially stated that although your friend said they were auditioning for a role, they probably wouldn’t get it. Communications intercepted by our spies have now revealed that not only did they get the role, but the show is next weekend and they are almost certainly going to ask you — in person and one-on-one — to go see it. Please adjust your essay-writing schedule and say goodbye to your loved ones as necessary. (Contreras)

An Official Statement from the National Rifle Association

There have already been multiple school shootings in 2018, and the recent horrors at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School serve as a grim reminder that we as Americans must do something about this brutal scourge of violence. That’s why the NRA is calling on Congress to pass long-overdue legislation to restrict the alarming number of schools in our country. We owe it to our kids to ensure that classrooms — especially high-capacity ones — don’t fall into the hands of depraved mass killers. It’s time to stand up to the education lobby and finally do the right thing by implementing strict school control laws. It’s the only way to keep our children safe. (Suvarna)

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