Trembling Mitch McConnell Tightly Clutches Anthropomorphic Stuffed Firearm Amidst Calls for Gun Reform

February 19, 2018 12:00 pm
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Trembling Mitch McConnell Tightly Clutches Anthropomorphic Stuffed Firearm Amidst Calls for Gun Reform

A warm glass of milk, a quick splash of water to the face, and the company of his stuffed childhood pal “Arnie the AR-15” – these are the rituals that have lulled Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell to sleep every night since he was a young boy. Only when clutching Arnie tight against his chest can McConnell achieve the shut-eye he so desperately needs after a long day of wrangling votes and accepting corporate donations.

The well-loved Arnie plush has an adorable age to it. Upon closer inspection, one can see the careful cross-stitching where McConnell’s loving mother once took the time to reattach the velvet 30-round-capacity-magazine after a neighborhood bully tore it off. Cradling in ones arms the delicate toy which the Kentucky Republican endearingly calls “Arn-Arn,” one can’t help but forget that the same cuddly 88-year-old said he thought it “premature to be discussing legislative solutions” after the Las Vegas shooting in 2017. No, it is simply impossible to think about such an obvious inability to govern when you see how content the 94-year-old Senator looks as he nuzzles up against the fabric facsimile of his favorite magazine-fed, gas-powered semiautomatic rifle.

Nonetheless, in an appallingly clear demonstration of their hatred for fun toys, some Democrats (and even cowardly, child-hating Republicans) have suggested legislation calling for “restrictions” on weapons just like poor Arnie. In response, the 101-year-old McConnell has spent the last few days trembling in fear that his beloved “Arn-Arn” might be separated from him. The poor cuddle-bunny’s anxiety is so bad at this point that he barely touches his lunchtime applesauce — one of few foods his toothless, gummy 109-year-old mouth can still manage.

As these heartless Democrats work to dismantle the God-given American right to cuddle up against the comforting aluminum of a lethal child-killing machine, Americans must look to the leadership of those who truly represent this country. They must ask themselves: who should they trust? Individuals pushing a glaringly obvious solution? Or an ever-more-senile 112-year-old multi-millionaire who in 2016 received $1.3 million in NRA support, but also — adorably — really loves his anthropomorphic buddy? For anyone with even an ounce of compassion for a sweet 128-year-old boy and his plush semi-automatic best friend, the answer is glaringly obvious.