Sexually Frustrated Moon Finally Gets to Masturbate After Several Nights of Constant Watch

February 5, 2018 12:00 pm
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Sexually Frustrated Moon Finally Gets to Masturbate After Several Nights of Constant Watch

After several evenings of unceasing news cameras and children’s gazes of wonder, the Moon finally took some private time to extravagantly masturbate this past Friday night. Due to its beautiful peak fullness for several nights this past week, the Moon’s privacy had been outright violated by voyeuristic amateur astronomers and werewolves alike. For days disgustingly intrusive and downright objectifying articles dominated the news with headlines like “Get Out the Ol’ Telescope, the Super Blue Blood Moon is Here” and “Top 5 Photos of Last Night’s Moon NASA Doesn’t Want You to See.”

Finally, though, the Moon got a chance for some much needed me-time this past Friday evening. As the news died down and individuals spent their evenings out partying, the Moon took advantage of its first opportunity for self-indulgence in too long of a time. Pulling out an old centerfold of a nude Buzz Aldrin and hedonistically filling every one of its craters, the Moon closed its eyes, thought of the good ol’ year 1969, and practiced some truly beautiful self-love.

The Flipside elected to interview NASA Researcher Burt Von Richtersonnovich for some scientific background on the peculiar lunar event:

“Though scientists had previously presumed the Moon to be a lifeless mass of rock and dust, it is, in fact, a deeply sexual being. We at NASA came upon this realization after sending a series of lunar probes to the Moon back in the early 60s, and thereafter receiving a message from the Moon asking for more. The decade was truly a sexual awakening for humans and celestial bodies alike.”

The entire event inspires certain questions about astronomical privacy which we have previously failed to explore. And so we impress upon our readers, as they gaze in wonder upon the night sky, to acknowledge that by doing so they are nothing but creepy little voyeuristic astronomy perverts.

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