Biker Holding Phone and Coffee Longs for Sweet Release of Death

February 5, 2018 12:00 pm
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Happy young woman cycling through the park

Flipside reporters confirmed early Monday morning that junior Sarah Lee — seen biking helmetless and at full tilt down Santa Teresa Street towards her biochemistry class, a cup of Starbucks coffee in one hand and a phone held to her ear with the other — harbors a genuine and wholehearted desire for the gentle oblivion that is death.

Lee relayed these details to Flipside staff via phone as she blatantly sped through several stop signs and dodged past cars turning onto the narrow street, the distracted drivers of which were in turn forced to swerve or brake to avoid crashing into Lee and damaging the fragile bodily vessel which houses her young mind.

Lee did not react to the vehicles, instead expressing disappointment over the phone as she answered our questions about the situation.

“This is what sucks about living in a college town, y’know?,” Lee relayed between pants of exertion and the ambiance of car horns and curses. “Car drivers here have this stupid reflex to yield to bikers even if the cars have right of way, so it’s difficult to get hit hard enough for it to count.”

“Let me do another run,” she added after one particularly close call with a semi. “If I’m lucky, maybe I can catch a student driver.”

At press time, Lee had run out of time before her class and had resigned herself to the suffering which is life for at least a few more hours.

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