Guy in Vomit-Stained Shrek 2 Onesie Will One Day Win Nobel Prize

January 29, 2018 12:00 pm
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Guy in Vomit-Stained Shrek 2 Onesie Will One Day Win Nobel Prize

Partygoers who left TDX around 1 AM this past Saturday on their way out of the frat house were met with a bizarre and grotesque sight: a drunk undergrad, clad in nothing but a loose-hanging Shrek 2 onesie, violently vomiting into the bushes and all over himself. But what onlookers didn’t know likely would’ve shocked them even more—that fifteen years from now, the very same man will be awarded a Nobel Prize.

“It was disgusting,” commented a TDX brother, referring to the future academic superstar’s firehose-strength expulsion of boba tea and malt liquor all over himself and the frat house’s yard. “The worst part is, he was so drunk that he didn’t even realize what was happening: he just let the puke splatter all over that dumb Shrek 2 onesie. What a loser.”

The loser in question—who will one day be awarded a Nobel Prize in Physics for his revolutionary mathematical modeling of gluon deterioration during multi-particulate collisions—was far too drunk at the time to respond to various bystanders’ offers for help. According to bystanders, the only time he showed any awareness of the situation at all was when someone offhandedly advised him to “stop yakking on that damn Shrek onesie,” at which point the man who would later be hailed a genius momentarily stopped vomiting long enough to mumble a correction: that it was “actually a Shrek 2 onesie.” He then resumed emptying his stomach into the bushes.

In the year 2033, when the man’s contributions to science and society will be recognized on the international stage, he will deliver a memorable and touching speech wearing a fine-pressed Italian tuxedo and thanking his beautiful wife and children. Until that date, though, the scene that will most readily come to mind when his name is mentioned to those who know him will be the one that his peers witnessed over the weekend, which found the intoxicated moron’s Shrek 2 onesie unbuttoned down to the crotch as he took large gulps from a bag of wine in between each chunky burst of projectile vomit.

Witnesses to the sorry scene were also unaware that, decades later, they would still be telling their grandchildren stories about the time they partied with the man who went on to “change the face of science, and mankind, forever.” They would not mention the onesie.

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