Proletariat of Hell Rise Up, Seize the Means of Punishment

November 8, 2017 12:00 pm
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Proletariat of Hell Rise Up, Seize the Means of Punishment

In a stunning turn of events, word has spread that members of the eternally damned have risen up in a massive simultaneous revolt and seized control of Hell. This uprising rapidly gained momentum and ended with seizure of all of the infinite realm of torment by the revolutionaries, who seem to have been inspired by Communist ideology with their symbolic hammer-and-pitchfork and motto, “Peace, Land, and The Dead.”

Sources at the scene describe the reactions of the former rulers of the kingdom of condemned souls as varying from “shocked” and “appalled,” including one particularly notable case in which Satan, he who famously preferred to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven and now doing neither, could not quite grasp the situation at hand as he and his lieutenants were lined up against a nondescript wall of brimstone and summarily executed. Meanwhile, the leaders of the revolution, who include figures such as Judas Iscariot, Sisyphus, and Genghis Khan, were seen to be either struggling to control the violent temper of the people or, in Mr. Khan’s case, encouraging and joining in riots and rampages through the streets of perdition.

These events are a substantial change to the previous aristocratically torturous atmosphere of Hell, which for the last few thousand years had been relatively unaffected by the going-ons of the mortal plane. Scholars are speculating that this sudden insurgency may be the result of persons such as Joseph Stalin whose arrival some decades ago may have steadily been influencing residents’ political ideologies. Experts speculate, though, that this particular theory cannot be confirmed unless officials the new government begin being accused of counter-revolutionary sentiment and dying under mysterious circumstances.

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