Haas Center announces Turkey Slaughter Day, a “hands-on experience for service-oriented birdkillers”

November 6, 2017 12:00 pm
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Haas Center announces Turkey Slaughter Day, a “hands-on experience for service-oriented birdkillers”

In a move aimed to please humanitarians and psychopaths alike, Stanford’s Haas Center for Public Service has announced that it will be hosting and funding an on-campus “Turkey Slaughter Day” later this month.

“Essentially what we’ll be doing is bringing in a number of turkeys in anticipation of Thanksgiving and having volunteers brutally execute them without mercy,” said Tom Schnaubelt, Executive Director of Haas. “Afterwards, the mutilated corpses of the deceased game will be sent off to various households in need.”

Schnaubelt emphasized that the focus of the event was on the act of killing the turkeys itself. “We at the Haas Center believe that one of the skills that universities should provide students with, but often don’t, is to be able to kill swiftly, efficiently, and without any pity or sympathy. That’s what this event is about—and if it’s a success, we hope to hold it again next year and eventually do something similar for other holidays, too.” 

Registration for the event will open up online within the next couple of days, and is recommended but not mandatory so that Haas will know roughly how many ill-fated fowl it should prepare for the carnage. Attendance is free of charge.

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