Freshman Without Friends Or Legitimate Reasons To Be Happy Reports He’s “Doing Fine” In Phone Call To Parents

October 2, 2017 5:00 pm
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Freshman Without Friends Or Legitimate Reasons To Be Happy Reports He’s “Doing Fine” In Phone Call To Parents

While freshman Bobby Taylor may be struggling to make friends besides his dorm’s resident pianist, sources confirmed yesterday that Taylor’s parents have been receiving a very different story in his weekly phone calls home. Exaggerating the quality of his social interactions and downplaying moments of intense self-doubt and loneliness, Taylor spoke glowingly of his first experiences at Stanford—all while struggling to obtain any real sense of belonging and contentment in a place so different from where he was raised.

 

“Sure, I might exaggerate a little when I call home, but I’m really being totally honest,” Taylor said, ignoring the soul-crushing bouts of anxiety and isolation he must contend with on a daily basis. “I mean I’ll tell them how I’m still getting to know people, even though it’s really just my RA and this guy who juggles in the foyer. But what’s the harm in that? Anyway, I’m sure more people will start hanging out with me soon.”

 

When his mom questioned him about the possibility of other friends, Taylor responded vaguely—and with gross inaccuracy—by saying he was “still meeting people, but the freshman dorm community is so open and welcoming.”

 

Reports indicate that Taylor’s parents also frequently ask him about academics and his involvement with on-campus organizations, but he has reportedly continued to stretch the truth, stating he had a few options in the works, but nothing concrete. In reality, Taylor has neglected to read over six-hundred club and activity-related emails and is still trying, unsuccessfully, to understand what any of the acronyms mean.

 

At press time, Taylor had finished a call with his parents and was seen sulking in the dorm lounge before responding with genuine, pleasant surprise to his friend’s offer of free juggling lessons.

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