Stop-Ed: He Has Good Intentions But He’s Scaring The Children

May 21, 2017 12:00 pm
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Stop-Ed: He Has Good Intentions But He’s Scaring The Children

Stop him! Oh dear god, do you see what he’s doing? He’s beginning to scare the children. I realize that he has good intentions and all, but the mouth-breathing is just getting completely out of hand.  I’ve been planning Tommy’s birthday party for over a month now, and Ed is completely ruining it with each wheezy mouth-breath that comes out of his dumb, but kind face. I can see the fear and confusion in the children’s eyes—their innocent eyes have never seen a human breathe with their mouth gaping open and jaw completely slack like that.

Oh. No.  Please, someone stop Ed! He’s trying to play duck-duck-goose with the kids.  That is really quite sweet of him, but I can only imagine the deafening shitshow that will become Ed’s breathing pattern once he’s running around and smackin’ children’s heads.  Will ANYONE stop him? He is truly becoming a menace to this children’s birthday party.

Little Maria just looks absolutely terrified right now. Oh right, Ed insisted on playing peek-a-boo with her earlier; in other words, he very loudly and directly breathed out of his cavernous mouth and straight into the face of a scared child.  God, I hope these kids don’t tell their parents about the nightmarish scene assailing their eyes and ears.

Ed, if you’re reading this, please stop whatever you are doing. Go see a doctor or something and fix whatever is making you sound like a broken carburetor and look like a snake preparing to swallow a small to medium-sized dog.  We appreciate you, but we mostly fear what irreparable damage you are currently causing.

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