Op-Ed: I Can Detach My Jaw Like an Anaconda in Order to Eat Eggplants Vertically

May 15, 2017 12:00 pm
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Op-Ed: I Can Detach My Jaw Like an Anaconda in Order to Eat Eggplants Vertically

Yes, I have the ability to detach my upper jaw from my lower jaw so that my teeth can be separated by a greater distance in order to eat certain vegetables vertically. Typically, the vegetable in question is an eggplant. Once my jaw is detached, I am constrained only by the skin of my lip, which happens to be incredibly rubbery, stretchy, and flexible.  In other words, the distance between my chompers is vast. The range of directions in which I could eat food has increased exponentially since my discovery of this fact – there is now no carrot too tall, no watermelon too wide, to escape my mouthy grasp. Diagonals became an option.

I’m not saying I like it per se, I’m just saying I can. No one really wants to see you break your own jaw for the benefit of a nutritious party trick, but, in my case, they could. The raw fact that I have the option to do such a thing is my purpose behind writing this think piece. The word needs to get out there; the seeds of change must be planted. I cast away mouth-related stigma like I cast away the cartilage connecting my jaw bones together when I detach them. Conventional sticklers, say no more. Your pyre of judgement will be thrown to the flames as soon as this message reaches the masses.

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