Spring Has Sprung, And That Means All The Boba Eggs Are Finally Hatching

April 24, 2017 12:00 pm
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Spring Has Sprung, And That Means All The Boba Eggs Are Finally Hatching

Ah, springtime: the birds are chirping, the bees are buzzing, and the pulsating eggs at the bottom of every boba tea are slowly starting to hatch!

Do you hear that noise? The dull drone of a million oozing flesh-pods, ready to burst? It’s the boba eggs, beginning to crack their sickly-brown shells as the wriggling grubs inside slither out. At the bottom of a subtle oolong tea, or perhaps even a fruity mango slush, these ovum are only just beginning to discharge their hatchlings into the beverage’s womb-like embrace.

For those few folks who ingest the boba eggs, this news is sure to darken their spirits. But to such unlucky individuals, be not saddened; as the mass of boba spawn swells in your stomachs, take comfort in the knowledge that you are fundamental to this strange and beautiful organism’s development. Even when you are nothing but a loose bag of pallid flesh, a bloodless skin-husk serving to incubate the brood until it’s ready to go out and hunt for food on its own, you are an integral stage in the wondrous circle of life.

And for those with more sense than to haplessly ingest the boba eggs, a word of caution: though your innards may not yet be the meat-hive of this passenger, you would be daft to think yourself safe from the unquenchable hunger of these parasites. Not until spring ends and the summer heat forces these creatures back underground will they stop leaving their putrid body-caves each night to find a damp ear canal through which to squirm into a new host and expand their wretched swarm.

So sit back, enjoy the breeze, bask in the sunshine, and do not — DO NOT — sip the boba’s seductive nectar. Until the vernal season enters its final days, this world is theirs and theirs alone.

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