Op-ed: ASSU elections are just a big popularity contest, and it looks like we’re the mothafuckin’ winners

April 17, 2017 12:01 pm
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Op-ed: ASSU elections are just a big popularity contest, and it looks like we’re the mothafuckin’ winners

Editor’s note: This article was written on Saturday, prior to the release of the ASSU election results. Like you, we’re pretty damn sure the Flipside slate will win.

Come on. Everyone knows that elections for ASSU exec are just a big popularity contest- a way for the cool, social, pretty rich kids to validate their status and flaunt their privilege. And I guess these bad bitches is the prettiest of them all, because exit polling shows were’ about to win us a mothafuckin’ seat as ASSU execs! UP TOP! Hey hey, there he is!

We know, we know, we too were struck during the Daily’s debate by how little we and our opponents know about issues facing students and faculty. Apparently CAPS is or isn’t still in shambles, student activities are inaccessible or unwelcoming to low-income students or something, blah blah blah. It was almost as striking as these baby blues in the lights on stage, baby! They’re even better in person than in those slick campaign profile pictures we photoshopped – two pools of Eden’s rainwater. Exactly the kind that you need in a slate of elected student figurehead. The competition never had a shot.

It was really an honor to share our campaign’s vision with you, our generous supporters. It’s a vision that involved a whole lotta’bumping up the contrast on photos (where our Pulse Mag fam at? We see you!), but it’s one you never got sick of, regardless of how many blast emails, sponsored Facebook posts, and dorm hallway posters it was shared in. Apparently that sort of thing gets you elected to our student government. But hey, we didn’t make the rules, we just keep playin’ the game- and it looks like the people have SPOKEN!

We get it – with faces like ours, even the hardest-to-swallow policy prescriptions become palatable. As your newly elected student leader, we swear that you’ll be the first to know if we have any.

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