Local Freshman Only One Not Doing Rush Limbaugh

April 10, 2017 12:00 pm
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Local Freshman Only One Not Doing Rush Limbaugh

Sitting alone in the Donner common area while intermittent thuds emanated from every single other room in the building, local freshman Demetrius Klumpp came to the discomforting realization late Friday night that he was the only person in the entire university not doing Rush Limbaugh.

“I guess I didn’t get the memo,” muttered Klumpp, referring to a literal memo that the Donner RAs had sent out to all 93 other freshman in the dorm inviting them to a private orgy with conservative talk radio host Rush Limbaugh. “I mean, I don’t even know if I would want to go, but it’s just really weird how everyone but me seemed so into it, and I didn’t even know it was happening.”

Though Klumpp may have been excluded from Limbaugh’s sexfest, most other Donner residents had only positive feedback to report about the Rush experience.

“My dad did Rush, and his dad did Rush, and his dad’s dad had syphilis so Rush wouldn’t let him do anything but watch, but his dad before him did Rush too”, explained fellow Donner resident Mitch Fenix in between aggressive bouts of kissing the nape of Limbaugh’s pallid neck. “My parents actually met while doing Rush, doing him real good, so you can be damn sure I’m gonna continue the legacy.”

Added Fenix, “I’m not gonna pretend it didn’t make things a bit weird when Rush said that segregation wouldn’t be such a bad idea right in the middle of our circle-jerk, but you just gotta take the good with the bad when it comes to Rush.”

At press time Klumpp was still sitting alone in the common area trying to read, pausing dejectedly each time a wave of several thousand simultaneous Rush-induced moans spread forth from every single other spot on the campus.

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