Sexually Active Man Tests Positive for Harpies

March 6, 2017 12:00 pm
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Sexually Active Man Tests Positive for Harpies

When local sex-haver Vikram Üntergrim went to get a free STD screening at Vaden, he was worried that his frequent hookups had left him with some sort of venereal disease. But the diagnosis he ultimately received was far worse: he had harpies.

“The first time I realized that something might be up was during a smash sesh with this cute girl I’d met on Tinder” recalled Üntergrim. “I was starting to get undressed, y’know, so I could really get down to business with her, when she pointed up towards the ceiling and asked why there were four screeching bird-lady monstrosities circling directly over my head.”

Üntergrim typically practices safe sex by using condoms, dental dams, and virgin lamb sacrifices, so he was surprised that something might be amiss with his sexual health. Nevertheless, he went to get screened just to be sure.

“When my doctor first told me what the problem was, I assumed he’d just mispronounced herpes” explained Üntergrim. “He had this really thick accent, like sorta half-Cajun and half-Afrikaans, so I figured I heard him wrong. But then I saw his notes and realized that yup, it was actually harpies.”

Harpies, ghastly hag-ravens that pay fealty to Hades, Shadow King of the Underworld, can be transmitted through direct contact with semen, vaginal fluid, or in some rare instances, cursed pomegranate seeds. There is no known cure for a harpies infection, but with antiviral medication and a bronze hoplite shield to block the talons, individuals can live mostly normal lives.

“At first I was confused how I contracted harpies, but now that I’m thinking about it I remember getting with this one girl who had all the tell-tale signs of a carrier,” recounted Üntergrim. “The main give-away, obviously, should have been the flock of writhing, cackling winged crones constantly swooping down and pecking at us while we made out.”

He added, “The girl told me she was a nympho, but now I think she was actually just a literal nymph.”

Üntergrim was last seen at SHPRC, using his three dollars of free store credit to stock up on sperm-killing lube and hellspawn-killing crossbows.

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