Clitaurus Probably a Type of Dinosaur, Nation’s Middle Schoolers Report

February 27, 2017 12:00 pm
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Clitaurus Probably a Type of Dinosaur, Nation’s Middle Schoolers Report

A consortium of middle schoolers has shaken America’s scientific community to the core following its announcement of startling new evidence that the Clitaurus is probably a type of dinosaur.

“Well, yeah, it sounds like Tyrannosaurus,” commented lead researcher Trevor Bentonsworth during the big reveal of the team’s paradigm-shifting research, televised live via simulcast on CNN, MSNBC, and Disney Channel. “Ankylosaurus, Stegosaurus, Spinosaurus, and now Clitaurus. It rhymes, like a poem or something. So we bet it’s probably another dino.”

“A C-Rex, as we’ve taken to calling it,” he commented wryly, to much laughter. “Rawr!”

To illustrate the revolutionary new theory, Bentonsworth presented a hand-drawn crayon sketch of a fight between three angry-looking velociraptors and a multi-winged, two-headed blue creature marked with a scrawled label reading “Clitaurus??”

Other key members of the research team also took the stage, including 12-year-old Junipera Cortez and 13-year-old Carter van Holt. Cortez explained how analysis of fossil records and Jurassic Park 2 screenshots formed the basis of the study’s data points, while van Holt sipped pensively on a carton of strawberry milk and snorted every time his associate used the word ‘bone.’

At the conclusion of the presentation, the entire audience broke out into a standing ovation that lasted well over fifteen minutes. The loud noise made van Holt cry. Subsequent peer review of the consortium’s research methodology has thus far failed to find any further evidence confirming the existence of the posited Clitaurus, although Bentonsworth has suggested that your mom might know where to look.

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