Op-Ed: Gen X Was Great, Millennials Are A Useless Pile Of Rocks

January 26, 2017 12:00 pm
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Op-Ed: Gen X Was Great, Millennials Are A Useless Pile Of Rocks

As we inaugurate a new political administration, now is a good time to reflect on generational boundaries. On the one hand, we have the Gen Xers, who, despite their many shortcomings, have given the world such wonderful gifts as the iPhone and the band Nirvana. On the other hand, we have Millennials, who are actually just a pile of stones. They’re small stones too, you can’t even build anything useful with them.
Every generation likes to lament that the following one just ruins everything. But look, these punks are actually just a pile of small rocks. How are they supposed to carry the mantle of modern civilization? They can’t even hold up a medium-sized coffee table! I tried throwing a rock the other day, and it broke my neighbor’s window. Stupid Millennials, they can’t do anything right!
Needless to say, rocks can’t vote. And Millennials’ underrepresentation at the polls is my raison du jour for why Clinton lost the election. Seriously guys, rocks? What were we thinking! More Millennials are receiving college educations than any other generation, but what’s that going to do? How are you going to use that Philosophy degree if you’re just one stone out of a pile of like, five stones or so. Bet you should have thought harder about your life decisions, huh rocks?