White House Begins Construction of Catacombs In Preparation Of Mike Pence’s Arrival

December 5, 2016 12:01 pm
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White House Begins Construction of Catacombs In Preparation Of Mike Pence’s Arrival

While millions of American workers enjoyed a hard-earned break over the Thanksgiving holiday, the team at Washington Vampiric Construction Ltd. was working hard as ever on their fast-paced winter project: a 13thcentury-inspired gothic tomb structure to house Vice President-Elect Mike Pence, a 100% real vampire.

Maddy Ellingson, the construction team’s project lead, was confident that the catacombs were one of the biggest tasks that the firm had undertaken in previous years:

“It’s a pretty ambitious project. We’re going to have to build the entire structure in just a couple of months. One of the biggest difficulties is having to deal directly with Pence himself. We have had to redesign his ceremonial pool of human blood four times now because each time he complains that it isn’t big enough for his daily rituals. And we can’t seem to find the right location for his requested sacrificial altar. It’s been a daunting task, but I am confident in my team’s ability to work with clients with such particular tastes.”

Ellington’s firm won the contract for the project due to their previous success in works with the Bush administration. The firm was instrumental in the design of the Connecticut Avenue Ziggurat where Dick Cheney used to feast on lamb hearts.

Since its refurbishment in 1974, Number One Observatory Circle has been the official residence of almost every Vice President. Nevertheless, no one is surprised that Pence will be breaking custom to live in the newly designed structure, especially considering the fact that he is clearly a murderous fucking vampire. Local Washingtonians are preparing for the unveiling of the crypt this coming January by pre-purchasing tickets and stockpiling garlic and crucifixes.

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