Physicists Finally Discover Ultralight Beam, Conclude It Cool Song

October 17, 2016 12:00 pm
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Physicists Finally Discover Ultralight Beam, Conclude It Cool Song

Stanford physicists have announced that they have finally discovered “Ultralight Beam”, a discovery that comes more than half a year after the release of Kanye West’s The Life of Pablo. When pressed for comment, physicists on campus responded that “it’s a fucking dope song” and that “[they] only wish [they] had discovered it sooner”.

“For some time,” explained one postdoc, “there were some of us who were convinced that ‘Ultralight Beam’ could not possibly exist. As we now know, these people were very, very wrong. It’s literally the first track on the album. And it’s a great song, you should listen to it. I mean, you probably already have, but look, do it again, if you want.”

Still, there has been pushback from other members of the field. “Look, it’s pretty clear that our field has moved past the point where we can deny the existence of ‘Ultralight Beam’, that’s just not a tenable position anymore,” said professor Daniel Goldgräber. “But the speed with which we have abandoned our positions is shocking…look I’m just saying that I still like ‘Bound 2’ better.” Overall, however, the field is largely receptive to the new discovery: “It’s an amazing song, you’re hooked from the first second” said Nobel Laureate Michael Kosterlitz. “But I guess you already knew that, the song’s been out for a while and it’s been playing all over the place Jesus Christ we need to get out more.”

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