New A Capella Group Just Absolute Dogshit

October 12, 2016 9:00 am
Views: 413
Group of friends karaoke singing at the bar

Comparing their sound to that of “a great ape bellowing in pain,” junior Austin Matthews informed reporters yesterday that Stanford’s newest a capella group—the Winds that Blow—is just complete, irredeemable dogshit. “Oh God, they were terrible—like a group of screeching meerkats fighting for supremacy,” reported Matthews, adding that when he first approached their rehearsal he was actually convinced a convocation of demons was heralding the apocalypse. “I honestly just can’t imagine what made them think they had talent; I mean, it was like hate speech, but more offensive. It was like the collective sound of thousands of cockroaches being crushed in those car compressor things at a junkyard. It was like—and I really mean this, don’t misquote me—feces were literally being stuffed in my ears. Frankly, if I had the choice to either amputate my own arm or listen to a minute of whatever the hell it is they claim to produce—music I guess is what they call it—I would not only saw my arm off with joy, but subsequently devote my life to ensuring they never terrorize the world with their otherworldly shrieks ever again. God, they really suck.”

The Winds that Blow are currently holding tryouts from 5 to 8 P.M. in Old Union, Room 218.