Coffee-Holding Biker in for a Fucking Lesson

October 10, 2016 12:01 pm
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Coffee-Holding Biker in for a Fucking Lesson

Veering around the main quad without a minute to spare before class, a latte-wielding cyclist is reportedly about to learn him some shit about gravity, centrifugal force, and how hard it is to get stains out of a white T-shirt.

Sources close to the blind turn near the Geology Corner indicate that the guy is a total scrub, and that he clearly doesn’t see that there’s a freaking dip right there in the middle of the street. Expert reaction has roundly declared the student “hosed,” with one experienced coffee-cyclist putting the chances of a wicked faceplant “somewhere between abso-yes and for fuckin’ sure.”

The student’s situation has been traced back to his enrollment in a 9:30 AM lecture, itself a manifestation of his desire to, as a friend put it, “finally start getting his shit together.” The force of his ambition was readily overcome by his desire to sleep, though, leaving him little time for pre-class caffeination and guaranteeing a forthcoming lesson in coffee-related fluid dynamics.

“I guess there’ll be less mess, because it’s a latte, but the milk smell can really stick with you,” an onlooker commented. “Worst case, he takes this as a sign he should start longboarding. Jesus, he looks like one of those kids. Wait, here he comes! God, he’s really going for it. Look, look, he’s getting closer to the bump- one… two… three!”

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