Op-Ed: In Other News, Sea-Monkeys Fucking Disgusting

January 26, 2016 9:00 am
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Op-Ed: In Other News, Sea-Monkeys Fucking Disgusting

In Flint, Michigan citizens have been drinking toxic water to the extreme detriment of their health and wellbeing. On the East Coast, Winter Storm Jonas has brought heavy snow and dangerous wintry conditions. And on Fox, the rave sci-fi TV series “The X-Files” has returned to mostly lukewarm reviews from critics.

So with that out of the way, let’s talk about how fucking gross Sea-Monkeys are.

Have you ever looked at one? I mean really looked at one. They’re nasty. They’ve got yellowed, translucent bodies, little black shit-specks for eyes, and multiple appendages that writhe nauseatingly as they move through their salty, repulsive aquatic world. And they’re shameless. They don’t care if we see them as they copulate, and defecate, and feed in the same water in which they’ve copulated and defecated. They don’t care that they ruin their once pristine aquariums beyond any hope of restoration. Nope, those little bastards just don’t care at all.

And it’s not like I’m being prejudiced or anything about this. Believe me, there was a time when I thought Sea-Monkeys were cool, when I would have given anything to purchase my very own batch of demonic water-spawn. But I was naïve. I didn’t know what they really were, what lows they’d sink to. I didn’t know about the cannibalism, or the twisted, orgiastic reproductive cycles. I wish I had never known. And if I hadn’t…well, if I hadn’t, maybe I could have become something.

So…Super Bowl’s coming up.

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