Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

January 11, 2016 12:00 pm
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Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that Broncos QB Peyton Manning knowingly used human growth hormone in order to extend his career longevity, NFL insiders are reportedly ecstatic at evidence that will help explain the medical marvel that is the former Super Bowl winner’s giant protrusion of a forehead.

Manning, who evidently has been injecting growth hormone into his forehead for the entirety of his 17-year playing career, has refuted all claims made within the documentary, although it is difficult to imagine that his distended pancake of a forehead could have existed for so long without substantial artificial help. Manning stated to FOX Sports’ Katie Nolan that, “Look, there are many things that I have regretted over the course of my career. Only winning 1 Super Bowl.  Voluntarily associating with Papa John. But I do not regret never, I repeat, never, using steroids.”

Despite Manning’s insistence, his argument have buckled under the merest scrutiny as many astute NFL analysts have noted that his forehead looks like someone stretched out a piece of boot leather across a mini coffee table. Given that such facial dimensions do not even closely match those of an average human male, it seems that the only logical conclusion is that Manning has been using the growth hormone to grow his forehead to godlike proportions. We will see how this helps him as the Broncos await their opponent in the NFL divisional playoffs.

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