A new development in the ongoing Ukraine crisis came to light last week when it was revealed that Putin has been doing all of his military planning on a copy of Hasbro’s family board game, RISK. This revelation has caused major shifts in the planning of both NATO and Russian military officials.
“It’s really surprising that nobody thought of this earlier,” said top NATO chairman Knud Bartels. “Given all of Putin’s insistence that eastern Ukraine is Russian…well here we have a map where Eastern Ukraine actually is Russia! Hell, Moscow is in Eastern Ukraine on the RISK board.” Bartels added that even beyond the repatriation of Russian homelands, RISK’s Ukraine offers very convenient land routes to Southern Europe, Central Europe, Northern Europe, and even The Middle East.
Political scientists have taken this development as a major breakthrough, and are currently attempting to discern when Russia’s government adopted the Hasbro map as their geopolitical standard. “It’s a bit early to say,” said one professor of political science at Stanford, “but the RISK board certainly seems to explain some Soviet policies, particularly the draining of the Aral sea [which does not appear on the RISK map, and as of 2014, doesn’t really appear on the real map either] and the insistence that Afghanistan must be controlled at all costs.”
Putin has expressed his annoyance at these developments, but is taking them in stride. Intelligence officials have reported that he allegedly left his most recent press conference muttering that “[His] Kamchatka-Alaska plan better still fucking work.”